THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/9/2011

TOMMY TUBERVILLE IS SLOWLY UNRAVELING ON THE BARREN PLAINS OF LUBBOCK. How do we know Tommy Tuberville is losing his mind on the howling wastes of West Texas? He's wearing a boonie hat, that's why.

The cigarette holder comes next, then the Hawaiian shirt, and soon he's full gonzo. It's not that the insane gravitate to Lubbock. No, no, we're afraid the effect is quite the opposite, and that Hub City slowly maddens those daring enough to coach football there. (This doesn't mean Tommy Tuberville isn't in stage two of a 12 step program to turn the Red Raider offense into an I-form punt factory, because he totally is. It just means he's losing his mind.)

Tom's totally got Tech summarized via the power of MS Paint, btw.

LET'S ALL GET HAPPY.  This is what happened to college football coverage. One day, somewhere around the year 2000, someone realized that we only get four months out of a calendar year to watch college football, and yet here's this internet! Then suddenly all the things we assumed weren't news became content: recruiting, scandal, arrests, etc. Then suddenly everything that happened in the dark of the offseason night saw daylight, and overanalysis, and endless discussion because like the universe itself, college football is made up almost entirely of empty space. 

So if you want to kvetch about how football is going to help us forget all the flaws of, um, college football, then don't say things like "who'd imagine there would be more problems in college football with the money additional popularity brought," because an influx of money into a closed economic system never sanitized anything. The foibles of our black market economy are there through the neglect of collective design, and are part of the package. Football won't make you forget them. They're there, and always will be, and holding two contradictory ideas in your head at the same time is a sign of being an intelligent fan, and appreciating this filthy librarian of a sport that insists the library has many rules, and yet is more than happy to whisper the directions to the brothel operating over in the reference section.

THIS IS MUCH BETTER. Any list of must-haves that includes Dana Holgorsen being Dana Holgorsen as a positive (while mentioning how dreary watching Nick Saban coach football is) is good reading in our eyes.

LISTS LISTS LISTS. It's what you do when you get close to the season and realize there is a vast amount of information needing quick order, and that's why Boise has exactly five things to watch,  or Penn State has three things they should positively not do against Alabama, and why LSU has a finite number of answers both comfortable and uncomfortable to give to questions re: their matchup with Oregon. On that last note: if Les Miles can lean on the Oregon d-line and push them around, he will run the ball until he runs out of insanely talented running backs, which at LSU should happen sometime around 11:28 a.m. on Nevergeddon in the month of Neveruary.

JARVIS JONES CLEARED. The NCAA says you can play, Jarvis Jones, and the reasoning for this is the same as any other NCAA ruling ever. 

TWO ITEMS OF VARYING GOOD ABOUT TEXAS. Yay, Bill says you could be pretty good, guys! Boo, your safety is kind of slappy. (More on that in a fairly active Fulmer Cupdate later.)

THE GREATEST MOTIVATIONAL POSTER EVER. Houston Nutt wants to know what you know about ClipArt, son?

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