THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/4/2011

WE THINK YOU KNOW WHAT TIME OF YEAR IT IS. If it's late summer, the sound of a boat motor is all you'll hear at first. Then, over the horizon, a splash of waves, a cloud of Aqua Velva scent, and a man's voice muttering "Come on, [NAME REDACTED.]

Oh yeaaaahhhh. It's early August, and that must be waterskiing time in Illinois.


We think that voice exhorting the Illinois football coach on is either the man himself or a guy on the boat. This is fantastic either way, because it means he is saying "Come on, Zooky!" to himself, or because he has a guy whose job description includes "pep-talking Illini head football coach while he slalom waterskis." We really hope it's the second, because that job description would also include paying for destroyed snack machines in said coach's wake, cleaning up spittle from incoherent halftime rants, and keeping no less than five Red Bulls on his person at once. Putting rippin' guitar tunes behind your waterskiing footage might also be part of the deal, you know, if you really want the job. [makes air guitar and WAARARRRR noise]

In an unrelated note, Mrs. [REDACTED] is looking damn good. Likin' it, you might say. 

HOW DARE YOU SAY WE LOSIN' FOUR GAMES, PAAAWWWWLLLL BILL WHATEVER-- Bill's preview today is Auburn, and unlike Phil Steele and other preview pundits the Football Outsiders crew thinks Auburn trends out at a nine win total for 2011. This seems reasonable; after all, with Phillip Lutzenkirchen, no team is truly beat (as long as victory hinges on a three yard pass that absolutely positively must be caught.) We think they'll look a lot like the 2009 Auburn team: erratic at QB, good on the rushing attack, and Ted Roof-spotty as ever on defense without Fairley sending blocking schemes asunder in the middle.

Kyle thinks differently, but he does hate Auburn with the fire of a thousand ARPing Georgia-colored suns. (The asterisk is a nice touch. Could be bigger, though.)All bets are off if Ladarious Phillips gets 25 carries a game, however, in which case we will happily place Auburn in the SEC Title Game with a good shot at the BCS Title.

HEY THAT FOOTAGE DOESN'T BELONG THERE.  But congratulations to the happy couples anyway.

LAW SCHOOL AND GRAPHIC DESIGN SCHOOL ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE CIRCLES. Sure, old guys. Those two logos look exactly alike. One is the Iowa logo, which always looked like a kind of 70s groovy Parakeet head, and the other is the Southern Miss logo, a constipated golden eagle wondering whether it needs to go to the pharmacy for some serious gut de-knotters. But yeah: EXACTLY THE SAME LOGO, Y'ALL.

THE LONGHORN NETWORK HAS NO PLANS TO CARRY THE LONGHORN NETWORK. We are all but certain this will magically change over the next month, but until then it is fun to note that major cable carriers all have a consensus on whether or not to carry the Longhorn Network. The Network is set to launch on August 26th, so this is most likely the dead period where ESPN is slowly seeing exactly how much blood it can grind from subscribers' bones for the privilege of watching Mack Brown do needlepoint for 45 minutes a day. (Needlepoint With Mack Brown! 2:15-3:00. Today's episode: Mack Makes A Cozy For His Juicer.)  

ORANGE PANTS AREN'T NECESSARILY A CURSE. You'll be fine, Virginia Tech. Just stay the hell away from orange jerseys DAMN YOU LES MILES.

THIS ACTUALLY iSN'T THAT BAD. A bit flaccid, yes, but it's not a disaster like the commenters are saying. Prayer and Kentucky football are strongly related, though, mostly through the unanswered variety of pleas to the heavens. (Having typed that, watch them beat Florida this year. Thanks, unresponsive and mute deity!) (COTG: YOU'RE WELCOME.)

YOU CAN VOTE ON WYOMING'S UNIFORMS. Democracy asks you to choose between exciting variations of feces and urine!

ETC: Hey, look, we appeared on a wrestling podcast. This, every day, every person we've ever talked to, forever. We swear, this was strictly hobbyist level atom-splitting. Good god, Marco Fabian should not be able to do this. Number 99 on this list should make you cackle loud enough to terrify your co-workers. Awww, look, it's a metaphor for Charlie Weis and John Brantley!

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