The Blogpoll returns, and with it our very stupid and arbitrary ballots. Don't be outraged. Polls are stupid. Notes and enthusiastic non-defenses of arbitrary choices made using total guesswork follow.
1. Screw y'all. You wanna pull hackneyed poll tricks? We'll pull one: shocking the world by putting last year's second best team in the number one slot, because we're so retro like that. If you are offended by this you are very stupid and looking to be offended by something anyway. That stop sign can't tell me what to do! Thinkin' I'm a damn schoolchild and whatnot AHHHHHH I AM BEING BLINDSIDED BY A SPEEDING SEMI-TRAILER--
2. Oklahoma Sooners. The Bob Stoops Suite is the two spot forever in preseason polls.
3. Like there's any shame in being skeptical of a new starter at QB and saying that losing Mark Ingram and Julio Jones might matter somewhat, and that you'll only be slightly awesome to start the year in an imaginary football season we just played out in our head.
4. New record for blind guessing? New record for blind guessing, as we start at the four spot. Translation: um yeah Andrew Luck and do everything you did in 2010 and don't screw up things West Coast Larry Coker, okay?
5. Pretty much a discount Alabama with a spread offense, or a slightly less hot Nick Saban team in a pushup bra.
6. Just putting them up here to make Georgia look acceptable in loss, or really good in victory. #NEVERSTOPHOMERING #SEC
7. When going grocery shopping, you always just grab eggs, and when you're polling you always sort of slap Wisconsin somewhere between the 7 and the 13 spot. Our refrigerator is full of Russell Wilsons, dammit. STOP BUYING WISCONSINS HONEY WE HAVE ENOUGH AND OUR FRIDGE IS SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW.
8. Another blind guess based on shiny offense and tennis defense. The SEC West is going to be a Mexican standoff, and Ole Miss is going to bring a dynamite vest to the party. Houston Nutt's fun like that.
9. It's no crazier than having them at one, and all criticisms may be answered with "ENTER STEPHEN GARCIA, QUARTERBACK AND VIVANT."
10. [Warrant expires upon loss to USF]
11. They're good. Could be really good. Kinda makes us want to die. Moving on.
12. [eats grass] [trips balls] [is same team no matter who's coaching] [will somehow still win ten games and blow two in fashion so spectacular you wonder whether you're hallucinating] [and you are because it is Les Miles football and is a powerful hallucinogen]
13. Shootout artists standard cruising speed: somewhere around #13. A "Todd Monken out of nowhere" frightens and confuses us, as does no Kendall Hunter.
14. Wanted to put them at like six, but we are stupid and know this. (See SARK WEEK 2010)
15. Did you know they play Arizona State on September 9th? Do you know how many polite Mizzou fans are going to be shot with flare guns in the stands at Tempe?
16. Nebraska Cornhuskers. We hope you win the Big Ten in a breeze. Having no offensive ambition whatsoever is a start towards doing this if recent history is any indication of effective strategy in this conference.
17. Michigan State Spartans. Bowl games have nothing to do with a team's absolute value BUT OH GOD ALABAMA WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT TO KIRK COUSINS IT IS STILL SINGED IN MY BRAIN.
19. Really just a proxy vote for Team Burfict.
20. Really just a vote for cheap, tasty ice cream.
21. HEY HEY GUYS THINKING CHAD MORRIS WILL HAVE QUITE AN AFFECT LIKE SHOOTING AEROSOL KETAMINE STRAIGHT INTO YOUR EYES.
22. This is just a straight misery pick here based on a team we hate watching most of the time. Honesty: it's a policy, and an excuse to rank Ohio State at 22. They're probably better than this, but we're not, so 22 it is.
23. See 22. (We're more affectionate to the Hokies, but seriously Tyrod Taylor held that offense together with nothing but his nuts and fast-twitch reflexes last year, and we're back to quarterbacks who should be named "Don Glennon" just on similarity alone. Polls are stupid things, and preseason polls are really stupid things.)
24. This is optimism.
25. So is this.