TWELVE HURRICANES MAY MISS OPENER

Charles Robinson's next story: Donna Shalala's double life as U of Miami president AND the Bay Harbor Butcher.

Donna Shalala said today that fifteen players fifteen athletes' eligibility may be in question, including 12 football players due to the ongoing investigation of Miami football in the Nevin Shapiro investigation. That's only 17 14% of your entire scholarship roster, Miami, so it could be worse. You could be Maryland, the team who has to play you in week one knowing that a loss to a depleted, demoralized, and possibly soon-to-be-demobbed football team would be nothing short of disgraceful. This being the ACC, expect this very thing to happen in gory fashion, and for Maryland fans to achieve a new record by hating Gary Crowton within two quarters of him assuming the controls of the Maryland offense.

(Previous record? BYU fans, who took three games to start hating Crowton with an intensity and passion Mormons only previously felt about gelatin and gelatin-related foodstuffs.)

As for future indicators of Miami's health...there are none. No one knows what the NCAA is going to do, but if we were Miami we know how to end it like a proper samurai: blowing up our own athletic department, and doing so quite literally. Sure, make it look like an accident. This is Miami: it's not like they'll think it was insurance fraud. No, they'll KNOW it was insurance fraud, and expect a healthy kickback for the privilege of paying out, so you might as well get in there and beat the NCAA to it in the name of dignity, honor, and a quick dollar. 

If you need him, Bernie Kosar will burn the whole place down for an initial investment of $830 and a 2% cut of all insurance payouts. Okay, $830 and you've got a deal. Fine. FINE. $83.00 it is, but not a farthing less if you want the Kosar touch. Kosar then accidentally sets Miami Zoo on fire, walks away yelling "WE DID IT GUYS!" and holds up 'U' sign as tropical birds make ungodly noises behind him.

ps. Please note all corrections. MONDAYS! <----incompetence.

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