THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/22/2011

IT'S HARD TO FIND A TASTEFUL HEADKICKING REFERENCE. It's either Dean Martin, or Brak. We opted for Dean.

Jordan Jefferson and three other members of the LSU football team got involved in a street brawl early Friday morning at a bar called "Shady's," and to no one's surprise Jordan Jefferson relied on his legs when things got dicey. Fights surrounding bars never make any sense. A man in a truck honked to clear a driveway, the man then got into an altercation with drunk football players, and then a Marine rushed in to help said guy, and then, according to witnesses, someone who looked a lot like Jordan Jefferson kicked the Marine in the head.

Baton Rouge police are still looking into it, and oh my won't interviewing people who were trashed as hell on a Thursday night be fun for them. The Fulmer Cup implications are uncertain: no one's been charged, and unless the Lee County Prosecutor makes a cameo and hands out four felony charges a piece to everyone involved, they will not challenge Auburn's lofty, snowcapped peak of points. (Remember that the reason Auburn players have so many points is primarily because Lee County really wants to drive home the sanctity of private property and your right not to be held at gunpoint in your own home, and did so by slapping everyone with a zillion charges.)

As for stupid wagerers wagering stupidly, that Oregon goes into the opener with a three point edge is another sign that people have no idea how mixed a bag Jordan Jefferson was/is at quarterback, and that LSU may in fact be just as likely to win this game without him under center. You joke about people openly rooting for their quarterback to get injured, but we heard and saw with our own eyes middle-aged ladies wearing purple and yellow rooting for Jordan Jefferson to sustain an injury against Auburn last year. Their wish may have been granted in the form of a torn criminal record, and potentially in the felony variation since kicking someone in the head certainly sounds like intent to seriously harm, the criterion for felony assault in Louisiana.

GIGGITY DODGED BULLET BOTARKUS. Houston Nutt was allegedly the target of Nevin Shapiro's entreaties in 2006, and yes, somehow Nutt got a raise out of this thanks to Jimmy Sexton, even if it was in the form of a parking space fenced off with hedges and covered with a bubbled roof. ("Somethin' futuristic, Jimmy! Like the eye of a great fly, protectin' mah Cadillac!") Additional Miami fallout, continuing for the next ten years: Luke remixes his anger, though he declines to rehash the extremely false and completely baseless accusation that Yahoo paid Shapiro for his testimony, Mark Hasty thinks the death penalty is unlikely, and jocks don't want to be your friends ever

YEA ALABAMA! OR YEAH, WHATEVER, YOU'LL BE GOOD AND STUFF. The numbers on Alabama are hideous to everyone but Alabama fans, a refrain we will continue to type as long as Nick Saban is coach there.

THESE MEN ARE RUNNING TEXAS FOOTBALL. Sort of feel like Mack Brown's new team is his lazy mixtape, guys. Then again, if the producers are Diaz and Harsin, you'll be fine, but still, Mack's just recruiting, and doing camera shit for the Longhorn Network, and then on gameday he'll put on a headset and go, "Hey, who the hell is that? He's pretty good---WAIT YOU'RE PLAYING A FRESHMAN IS THAT EVEN LEGAL---"

KEEP GOING! YOU'LL GET THEM ALL. Former Gator Chris Martin transfers again, and eventually will discover it's just turtles all the way down if he goes far enough down the transfer hole.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS EITHER. But it appears Auburn recruits are more than happy to pose on Facebook in novel and innovative poses suggesting original thought AND immense wealth! We actually don't think this means Auburn is paying this person. We assume they are, like most people who are 18 years old, careless and occasionally very stupid.

WILL MUSCHAMP, STARECORE HERO. He's already stretching his artistic capabilities.

OUR ARTICLE ON THIS WOULD BE REALLY SHORT. Their answers are different, but ours would be "LOL NO."

WOOOOOOOOO AGGIE HAIRCUTS. 1992 was a bad year for everyone, but in College Station it appears to have been harder fashion-wise than in even the most dire places. (And we lived in Tampa. TAMPA.)

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