TYYYYYYYY BRUKKERSMIFF. We couldn't look away. That may be a character flaw, but we prize honesty here.
TEXAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL, Y'ALL.
THE ONLY POSSIBLE DEFENSE. Either Miami pleads incompetence to the NCAA, or they send Emissary Campbell to the hearing to perform their only other possible defense: a rousing rendition of Luke's remixed classic "Fuck Shapiro." That footage (NSFW, duh) also proves that wherever Luther Campbell goes, women instantly begin shaking their buttocks for like no reason whatsoever. This may sound like a talent you want, but you've never walked through a retirement home with him to see the real downside of his powers.
Other defenses of Miami poured in yesterday. Urban Meyer hedged on the claims because they come from "a convicted felon," albeit a convicted felon with excellent documentation of everything. A former Miami walk-on went on the defensive by embracing the offensive, and has a future in politics and we're not even joking about that. And Michael Irvin is Michael Irvin, and that's enough for us.
I said this too, though, and I’ll be honest with you, I would have fell to those aphrodisiacs that he was throwing around. I would have fallen into that. I would fall into it. Listen, I wasn’t able to handle at 19,18, 20. I wasn’t even able to handle it at 30. Thirty-five? I just got here at forty-five! I just got here. If you would have offered me boats, women, and my hands are up in the air.
Someone will write and illustrate a graphic novel where Michael Irvin time-travels forward to party with Nevin Shapiro, and it will replace Maus as the definitive work of the genre.
STILL MORE PREVIEWS. Bill C.'s TCU preview is of course worth your time, but only if you like excellent blockquotes from the best book ever written about college football. The saddest thing you will read today is Kansas' preview from Doc Saturday, where the curse of the Mangino continues to take hold. (Seriously, Mark Mangino is a magician, and the next ten years of Kansas football and preceding eleven million only strengthen this argument. Yes, Kansas has been playing football for eleven million years, and has not improved an iota in this span because they are horrible at it.) Pre-Snap Read takes on Notre Dame, and get excited no really get excited it's okay Irish fans get excited there's free cheese in this mousetrap over here--
GEORGIA'S PRO COMBAT UNIFORMS SEEM COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. As thin as their wide receiving corps is, it becomes effectively thinner when you take away their hands and replace them with starbursts. Then again, with the way the defense is defending plays it knows is coming, this might not be an issue at all.
"WHAT DO YOU DO WITH AN AARP CARD?" Mike Leach interviews Randy Edsall, and it's only awkward in the sense that it's the Pirate Cap'n interviewing another coach and asking him what the hell one does with an AARP membership card. (Answer: get a sore ass, and not in the fun pirate-y way, either.)
WELCOME TO THE SUB 5 CLUB. Hahahaha, go ahead and laugh at how slow Tyler Bray is. 5.0 in the 40 would leave most average men gasping in the dust, says the person whose authoritative and consistent 6.09 40 yard dash is the gold standard in college football blogging speed. It's really fun to get your friends together and do this, because it is astonishing how slow you are, and even more astonishing when one of your friends against body type registers something truly blazing like a 5.4. A fat man running a 5.3 is one of the most beautiful things you will ever see, both because they are thrilled when they discover how fast they are, and also because they immediately turn red and have a near-death experience afterwards.
SEC GUY IS RATHER ACCURATE. "We tackle with owah whole boddaaaiiize." Speaking of SEC guys, the internet's Lionel Hutz is a term that will be damned hard to shake. Gentility will not be the rule at West Virginia ever, but most especially now that you've put up rules to break. Thanks, Oliver Luck!
DON'T GET ME STARTED AIRPLANE FOOD JOKE IN FRONT OF BRICK WALL. He's got a point here, but underlying this is a real "ehhhh gas prices old things were better I hate the newscrawl" bullshittism. As the muscle truck dragster parked at our neighborhood auto repair shop says: "Get with it or get bout it."
ETC. There's a joke about your mother in here, and we just made it. Coach Smoot demands your complete commitment to preseason drills. Variation on a theme is pleasing. College football is corrupt, but no one's been murdered over a bowl game, or at least not murdered too hard, y'all. Vanderbilt is allowing pagans to miss two days of class for their holidays, and Roy Exum of Chattanooga has some thoughts on it. He seems fun! You didn't make it this far into the video, did you? You should have. Wash it out of your brain with this, which is nothing but beautiful all around.