FP'd for glory. Run Home Jack is available on Twitter as @celebrityhottub, and should have ten million followers. Oblige him, internet. -ed.

- "Marve was really jealous of all the attention Tebow got for performing that circumcision, so I took him down to the Seaquarium and let him graft a bundle of Christmas lights and a car battery onto a sailfish."

- "One Easter I paid the Bishop of Miami $150k to let Vilma run through every church holding a pig heart, screaming 'KALI MA!'"
 
- "I had nothing to do with Andre Johnson's 3 week reign as Shogun of Hialeah."
 
- "Shockey was pretty tame, actually. I think I bought him a watch and a nice pair of jeans. Oh, and like 78 abortions."
 
- "The things I saw Lance Leggett do to Sebastian with the business end of a flare gun would make DMX blush."
 
- "All Beason wanted was grout, expired cough drops, and sand dollars. I didn't ask questions. Didn't eat with him, either."
 
- "Frank Gore took $40k from me and had all the liner notes from Cooleyhighharmony tattooed on his soft palate."
 
- "To be fair, I thought Brock had a medical need for a new liver. I didn't know he just thought his old one was 'super gay.'"

 
- "In retrospect, I shouldn't have let Kellen Winslow fill a t-shirt cannon with bocce balls and left him alone in Lowe's."
 
- "As a gag on Donna Shalala, we implanted one of her ovum in Bubba Sparxxx. And that's how Ke$ha was born."
 
- "I had an alternate version of Myst made for D.J. Williams. All the puzzles were solved by throwing a cop into a bar mirror."

- "The 2003 jerseys had two strands of human hair woven in - one from Sophia Loren, one from Francis Crick."
 
- "Have you ever seen a baby deer released from a lunar landing module into the cold vacuum of space? Jon Peattie has."
 
- "Funny story - at the '04 Peach Bowl I sent Charlie Strong a sculpture of Sade made of coke. Thought he was a recruit."
 
- "I paid for Greg Olsen to be at Ossie Davis's bedside when he passed. Greg kept laughing and saying 'Evening Shade sucks.'"
 
- "Sinorice Moss lived in William Joseph's duodenum one summer. I know because I paid his electric and cable bills."
 
- "For Brandon Meriweather's birthday, we hung a helicopter from a crane and filled it with orphans. Best pinata ever."
 
- "At one point, Vernon Carey had me smuggling in 50 gallons of leaded gasoline to him a week. Goddamn that guy could drink."

- "We had a standing $40 bounty for making Brian St. Pierre wonder if he was adopted. Had to lower it from $400."
 
- "Yeah, I paid the curator of the British Museum $15k to let Ken Dorsey shit on a mummy. Didn't think much of it at the time."