BRYN RENNER IS THE REAL NAME OF UNC'S QUARTERBACK

Frontload all of this with a load of positive assertions, like "playing quarterback is hard," and "You're born with the name you have, and that's all you can do," and "even as a quarterback at a basketball school he will still get more sexual pleasure in his life than Tim Brando masturbating alone in a hall of mirrors."

Say all this, and also admit the absurdity of your own name. For instance, our first name means "servant," so in effect we were born with a butler's nametag on at all times. That would be exceedingly misleading unless you're looking for one of those tipsy, negligent butlers who takes their employers' DUIs for them in exchange for open access to the brandy cabinet and a blind eye turned towards afternoon rendezvous with needy middle-aged maids in the pantry. If that's the kind of servant you want, then servant it will be, sir.

With that out of the way, UNC's starting quarterback this year is named "Bryn Renner," simultaneously the most UNC name ever, and also an unfair justification for the UNC coaching staff to fire giant inflatable balls at him. Bryn Renner is terrified of giant inflatable balls, and the staff knows this, and college sports is hell, guys. Just total hell.

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MAKE IT STOP GUYS--

Bryn Renner doesn't sound like a quarterback at any level but the Ivy League. Instead, he sounds like any or all of the following things that do not involve throwing 2 yard passes in the Run 'n Shoop offense:

  • Zooey hadn't slept with Steven in 6 days, quite a departure from their usual routine. She came home unexpectedly late one evening and tore his clothes off ravaging him. As they finished she embraced him tightly and puzzlingly whispered in his ear "Bryn Renner."
  • CiA operatives in Yemen used a shell company by the name of "Bryn Renner" Later, informants revealed that local militants knew the company was a shell along because, according to translators, "LOL Bryn Renner that's not a real name."
  • The rather contentious "The New Age Kama Sutra" included 4 pages on the 'Bryn Renner', a sexual position that was like something from Stephen King's "Misery"
  • Wed like to thank Bryn Renner for her time today. Her movie, "Girls Weekend," stars Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and opens Friday at theaters everywhere.
  • Bryn Renner hit .300 in the famed Cape Cod League proving he could make the adjustment from the composite bats to wood.
  • Bryn Renner will be hiring driven talented CPAs throughout the fiscal year. If you know of qualified candidates, please forward their CVs to Mr. Renner-Bryn or Mr. Bryn-Renner at brynrennerrennerbryn@brennerrynn.com
  • Bryn Renner is not one person but rather two random sequential last names on a professional golf tournament leader board.
  • NPR senior correspondent Bryn Renner on the hot button investment question "Is bronze the new new gold?". All this and Carl Kassel!
  • CNET.com's Bryn Renner on 10 Android apps that will have you reexamining how you do business and opening up whole new worlds of personal opportunity.
  • Bryn Renner, an expert on EU tariff policy and professor at Brandeis University, did not believe the Greek devaluation would affect current policy discussions in Washington or beyond.
  • Bryn Renner might be the last person you expect to be operating a petting zoo and organic pea farm in Liberia. But that's perhaps because you don't know much about the eccentric heir to the Renner antifungal ointment fortune.
  • Even Best Picture nominee Jeremy Renner thinks his second cousin Bryn has "a name like a brand of birth control"
  • 1936 Olympics, Men's Marathon. 1. Heinrich Nazi 2. Black Guy. 3................ 23rd: Bryn Renner, UK.
  • The Bryn-Renner Act barring trade with Tracy Morgan and countries doing business with Tracy Morgan was tabled in committee when it was revealed by an intern that Tracy Morgan was not a sovereign nation, and merely a drunk black dude.
  • Bryn Renner: an sfience fniction crssic prnouncd wif ur jiw clnchd shut.
  • Bryn Renner comes by his talents on the bass naturally, having grown up as a neighbor to Mr. Big bassist Billy Sheehan.
  • Bryn Renner is still struggling with intimacy after making love to the easy girl he met in a Melbourne bar then finding her gone the next morning that one Summer her went abroad to find himself.
  • Bryn Renner's stunning new documentary, "Camels of Many Colors: The Dolly Parton Impersonators of Rural Mali."
  • 'BrynRenner' was constantly harassed on XBOX Live by younger gamers who thought his gamer tag was a failed homage to Josh Whedon's "Firefly".
  • Bryn Renner: the cutest little B&B in Northeast Maine.
  • Bryn Renner's provocative new one man show "Brynn & Bryce", the conceptual reenactment of how he usurped his unborn twin's fetus in the womb.
  • Bryn Renner: Making fine haberdashery for Virginians since 1873.
  • Bryn Renner, author of "Withnail and Pie: A Depraved Tour Of England's Pie Pubs," was recently named one of America's' best ginger novelists under 25.
  • One of the album's high points, "'Bryn Renner' is up-tempo uptown reggaeton Vampire Weekend swag about star crossed lovers on the quad at a large, faceless public university. There's cello, and no one's sure why.
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