THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/28/2011

SMACK MY BUTCH UP.  First, an amuse bouche before reviewing the Butch Davis carnage.

"I'm gonna be the guy who's coaching there in 2010." Butch Davis, unbeknownst to you, became a black man named Randy Shannon, and sent a clone to coach the Cleveland Browns and collect paychecks. The clone then took the UNC job, and was fired after four years of middling football, one insane bowl game victory over the University of Tennessee, and a splatter-pattern of recruiting and academic fraud ghastly enough to implicate Davis in the negligent homicide of a program's basic prevailing institutional order. The two clones, now both unemployed, plan to meet and fight to the death to establish which one is truly Butch Davis.

Andy Staples asks "Why now?" We assume the AD just finished a year-long bender, got sober, and said "Shit, really?" and just fired him with a post-it in between filing bits of mundane paperwork and phone calls to those he wronged in his drunken stupor. ("Roy Williams? Yes, hello. I'm sorry I pooped in your mailbox.")  Mr. College Football says the timing was right, Matt Hayes says the Tressel Seppuku Plan is in effect, Carolina March wonders if Michael McAdoo's plagiarism case was the tipping point, and we're writing something on this later today about how this is all Davis' fault for being a terrible, shitty, no good HR man who also happened to run a football team. (Felder sounds surprisingly sober about all this.)

LARRY SCOTT HAS SECURED RIGHTS TO THE PAC-12 ORGASMATRON. The Pac-12's new media deal involves all the networks and will put everything the Pac-12 does on television at all times in customizable networks for everyone in the United States and in space colonies we don't even know about yet. In fact, we turned on our computer this morning and there was a new spot on our toolbar. It read "Chip Kelly plays Tetris while making recruiting calls." And holy shit! It was just a webcam of Chip Kelly playing Tetris, and the speed, simplicity, and precision that man has is insane. Offset two by two piece? FUCK YOU, TETRIS BLOCK GODS--ALL BRIAN KELLY DOES IS MOVE L-PIECES IN AND NULLIFY THAT SHIT LIKE IT'S NOTHING.

There's another one on there that says "Dennis Erickson kills a sixer on the bumper of his El Camino while shooting desert rats somewhere outside of Tempe," but we're saving that one for lunch.

SPEAKING OF BRIAN KELLY. It might be fun to hire Scott Frost once he figures out whatever the cross between Oregon's offense and Nebraska's old option attack would be. Also, his last name is Frost because he is a real, live, breathing frost giant, and can hold a raging LeGarrette Blount still with a mere flex of his mighty forearms.

KELLEN MOORE IS KUNG FU PANDA. Moore's been busy this summer, including getting married and numerous QB camps, so Chris Petersen says he needs to realign his chakras.

"I hope when you get back you’re going to sit on top of a mountain somewhere and meditate and catch your breath," Petersen told him.

Kellen Moore mountain training montage GO---

WE WANT ONE WITH PISTOL PETE RIGHT ON THE ASS. Oklahoma State will exhaust every possible combination of candy corn nightmare until you admit defeat and go blind. This may improve your quality of life depending on whether or not you live in Stillwater, Oklahoma or not. (Actual quote from OK State double grad we met in OKC: "It's a great place, because everyone's doing exactly what you're doing: drinking!")

NOT THAT WE WOULD, BUT THE S IN LSU MEANS $AVING$. Just in case, man. Just in case. (Via Blutarsky.)

"AND THE ZIONIST CONSPIRACY ON THE TACKLE." Recently fired CNN reporter Rick Sanchez will begin his new career as a color commentator by announcing FIU games this fall and blaming officiating mistakes on the Jews.

LONG SNAPPER SEX TAPE. Or as close as a MAC long snapper gets to having a sex tape, at least. (SFW) (Unless you find long snapping so arousing you have to expose yourself.)

QUEEFCORE DIARIES CONT'D. Of course Luke includes a relevant discussion on the topic of Queefcore.

ETC: Boogity Boogity Boogity, Amen. Mascotin' aint' easy.  Go nominate talented people for these right now.

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