So last night, in a desperate craving for actual college football, I pulled out NCAA 09 for Wii (I don't think they've made a version since, and besides, I thought "that's the 08 season and we were pretty good"). I glance over the teams and settle on Vandy vs UAB, at home. And put the controller to the middle and press A, and sit back.
That's right, I'm watching the computer play both teams. At least I haven't hit full degeneracy by betting on it.
My cousin comes downstairs (full disclosure: Georgia Tech grad). He and his wife plunk down on the couch, and his wife asks what I am doing. I explain. She is appalled (full disclosure: PhD psychology candidate and professional counselor). Cousin, of course, sees nothing wrong with this.
Cousin asks for the spread. I figure what the hell, we can probably cover eleven at home, right? "Eleven over?" he asks incredulously. No, eleven and the under, I quickly assert, it's going to be a low-scorer and our defense is stout. (Notice at no point was a combined over/under actually set.)
My wife comes in and is appalled. My cousin and I ignore her and whoop as Chris Nickson hits somebody in stride for 40 yards. Vandy goes up 7-0.
"Do you actually intend to watch this whole thing?" cousin's wife asks in amazement.
"Not if it doesn't pick up a bit. Might flip back after halftime."
Cousin's wife seizes the remote and turns on House Hunters. At the commercial, I insist on flipping back to the game, where Vanderbilt is on a 10-7 lead at the half. I feel good about this.
Cousin and wife go upstairs for the night as the show ends. I pounce on the remote before wife can get it and flip back to the game. Vanderbilt is leading 17-14 with about 3 minutes to go. OK, we're not going to cover, but I'll take the W.
UAB is driving, but Vandy holds them four-and-out with a minute left. WOOOO!!!
First down: take a knee. UAB uses last time out.
Second down: take a knee. In the bag!
Third down: computer throws deep incomplete pass WAIT WHAT THE SHIT--
Fourth down, six seconds left: punt. Ball arcs high. UAB player catches it at the 30 as the clock runs out.
And makes some kind of juke move, runs 70 yards, and scores the winning touchdown, 20-14.
Wife, who has fallen asleep on the couch, is awakened by my screaming. And explains in no uncertain terms leavened with profanity (full disclosure: five years Cal marching band) that it's trying enough dealing with ACTUAL football and she is not about to countenance this sort of nonsense around FAKE football, especially if I wasn't even actually playing the game myself, and she is not interested in my ranting that evidently since the game comes out before the season that this must be the 2007 Vanderbilt team, but that team beats South Carolina and Ole Miss so they couldn't be THAT bad, and who the hell throws after taking a knee for two straight downs, and goes upstairs to leave me alone in my RAEG AND MISERY.
So the question you have to ask yourself, really, is CAN HAZ REAL FOOTBALL NAO PLZ??????