Hail, members of the commentariat!
Good afternoon! I hope you all recognize my renowned mein. I am Peter O'Toole, noted actor, alcoholic, and train thief. In my sunset years, my physicians have suggested I take up new hobbies to keep my mind nimble after years of drinking. And my what years they've been. Nyaah!
/Drinks from G&T
So I've decided to begin following this provincial sport of which you are fans: American College Football. Football without goalkeepers? Nyaah!
The pageantry, splendour, and theatre of the game intrigues me. But I must select a team, or side, with which to follow and live and die. I have three candidates in mind at the moment, but pray I may receive your expert advice. I know not how many years or drinks I have left, and wish to support the right team for that time. Hyah!
/Mixes new G&T.
And now, my nominees. First, Arizona State University.
My reasons are simple. As a legendary actor of Hollywood and the London stage, I am used to the company of eager, nubile young ladies, a resource which Arizona State appears to have in spades. It is also located in a desert, and I have great love for deserts
for I filmed one of my best roles in one as "Lawrence of Arabia:. My character was bloodthirsty and took no prisoners, and I see a kindred spirit in the attitude of one Vontaze Burfict of the Sun Devils.
And speaking of spirits, their manager, or coach as you call it, appears a man who would appreciate advice on the finer tactics of drinking.
Second, the University of Southern California.
As I said earlier, I am a Hollywood legend. The Trojans are Hollywood's team, at least when they care about your football. Nyaah!
Like Arizona State University, it has a number of wonderful young women, and due to the expense of the school, I imagine they are of better class and breeding than the devils of Arizona. And their reference to John Dunne's "For Whom the Bell Tolls" at the beginning of each game strikes a chord in the heart of this old Brit.
And finally, the third choice, Vanderbilt University.
A school indubitably private. Indubitably snobby. And most importantly, a school which has won no titles, either national or conference. This has great appeal to me, as I myself have never won an Oscar for one of my numerous command roles.
Of course, just as none of you would dare present yourselves to me as an expert on drinking, I do not presume to be an expert on football compared to all of you. Therefore, commentariat, which of these, or other teams, shall I select as my rooting interest? I await your responses with great anticipation. Nyaah!