TUSCALOOSA, AL-- In an EDSBS exclusive, our sources have told us that Alabama may be at the center of an improper benefits scandal that, in a shocking turn of events, may be self-reported by Alabama football players MUST CREDIT EDSBS REPEAT MUST CREDIT EDSBS.
"I'm pretty sure that guy who laughed at a joke I told this morning didn't actually think it was that funny," said Alabama Trent Richardson on his Facebook page this morning.
This fawning behavior on the part of non-athletes towards athletes can constitute a kind of improper benefit, according to Lindy Candler, a psychology professor who just made up all the bullshit quoted below.
"I'm in no way an expert on this, and haven't the faintest clue what I'm talking about, but will constitute an official-sounding basis for whatever bullshit assumption you're looking to verify. That thing you said has science and stuff behind it. Here is a wall of bullshit books I haven't read. Let's get a picture of me in front of it."
The joke, told on the shuttle bus into campus from Richardson's apartment, was the "Interrupting Cow," and merited a titter or chuckle at best, according to Richardson.
"I mean, it's a knock-knock joke. But this white dude laughed like way, way too hard at it, like being friends with me is going to get him somewhere. I can't get extra tickets. The girls who hook up with me won't rub his feet, much less get with him. We can't talk about anything because all I do is squat, wind sprint, and sleep, and frankly that makes me a really uninteresting person. Oh, and I'm not allowed to really take shit from the money I generate because of the NCAA's rules."
"Even the limitless, well-executed sex I have is emotionally distant because of my distrust of my partners, who may be using me to access my projected future wealth."
A source within the NCAA says this violation places Alabama at the risk of either a minor reduction in practice hours, or of three years' probation and a reduction of 20 scholarships over three years.
"We're run by drunken ferrets. There's no telling which they'll decide. It really depends on what boxes we put the food pellets in, and that's like, totally random."
PS. Please let football start because this bullshit is, as Rich Brooks would say, total bullshit.