SAM THE EAGLE IS KIND OF BALLER IN HIS OWN WAY. Remember that in life any villain can instantly be a ally when paired with a greater villain. So on this July 4th weekend, let us salute the Sam the Eagle of college football, Jim Delany, for telling Mark Shapiro to go to hell. He did it for the Big Ten. He did it for America.
An amiable session in which the Big Ten and ESPN cleaned up "housekeeping matters" — schedules and announcers — took a nasty turn at the one-hour mark. That's when talk turned to a contract extension, a negotiating session that went nowhere. Fast.
"The shortest one I ever had," Delany told the Tribune. "He lowballed us and said: 'Take it or leave it. If you don't take our offer, you are rolling the dice.' I said: 'Consider them rolled.' "
DELANY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF SHOES, BABY. Thanks to Rotel and Barbasol he got them, and now the Big Ten Network is the single largest industry in the Midwest. We just made that stat up, and you know it's fictional because Buffalo Wild Wings, pawn shops, and breweries are all still open in the region and doing just fine.
BUT AT LEAST YOU AND GEORGE O'LEARY ARE STILL BFF. Rather than be human and settle with the family of a football player who died during drills, and thus avoiding public embarrassment and the hiring of a doctor paid to testify that you couldn't die of sickle cell treatment, UCF opted to fight the claims of Ereck Plancher's family in court. They now owe the Planchers $10 million and will appeal because when you've gone this far down Asshole Turnpike, you might as well see where the road ends. Dr. George O'Leary's is done, and the rest is formalities and Mike Bianchi trolling so hard his teeth fall out.
OOOHHHHHH WAH AH AH AH. Can a coach truly ever have the "interim" tag off if he's going to appear in public in an Affliction shirt? Luke Fickell of Ohio State is going to try and see if he can, but look for the final answer upside down at the bottom of the page to find out!
(via Anthony Lima.) Answer: ¡ou
Meanwhile, as a bar owner in Ohio, bars are about to get so Wild West, brah. It's okay: remember that when everyone runs out of ammo the swingin' Western Bar Brawl breaks out, and then people start breaking chairs over each other's heads, and then you wind up for a punch and--HA! It's your buddy, who was about to punch you! Then you dust each other's shoulders off, smile, and then get shot in the face because it's not like people can't go to the car and reload. (Shhh, we know. You can put up a sign barring firearms from your place and get around the line. You're smart and can point out obvious things on the internet that kill jokes! Yay you!)
WE'RE COOL WITH THE DOJ SAYS BCS IN BS PSA FROM DC. Bill Hancock's right, because the DOJ seriously can't be serious about investigating the BCS, but he's right for all the wrong reasons, and that's a pretty nice summary of everything good about the BCS: It's all good totally on merits it cannot claim, and should not.
WITH A QUICKNESS: We quite enjoyed the use of the word "fucksaw" in this piece. Kentucky's new uniforms are a pleasant variation, and that's what you get with the Wildcats' unis since blue and white is really hard to screw up. (At worst they look like a natural gas company-sponsored Arena League team.) Alabama and Virginia Tech will open up 2013 against each other in what is a pleasant rivalry of short and very intense coaches. This is entirely unrelated to college football, but seriously the McCourts are human filth.