Fox Sports Southwest Comes to Bury Osborne, Not to Praise Him

Hey, Fox Sports Southwest, if you're going to eulogize Nebraska and Tom Osborne, at least you could have used better source material.

via cache2.allpostersimages.com

Delossus and Dan Beebety enter, bearing Osborne's corpse.

DELOSSUS

    Texans, press-whores, and sheep! hear me for my
    cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
    for mine honour, for its backed by my wallet, that
    you may believe: unplug your brain function, and
    leaden your senses, that you may not better judge.
    
    If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of
    Osborne's, to him I say, that Dodds' love to Osborne
    was no less than his. If then that friend demand
    why DeLoss rose against Osborne, this is my answer:
    
    --Not that I loved Osborne less, but that I loved
    power more. Had you rather Osborne were living and
    rotate title sites, than that Osborne were dead, to live
    in Jerry's World? As Osborne loved me, I weep for him;
    
    as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
    valiant, I honour him: but, as he was ambitious, I
    slew him. There is tears for his love; joy for his
    fortune; honour for his valour; and payoffs for the
    referees. Who is here so base that would be a
    Husker? If any, speak; for him I shall cast out.

  
    Who is here so wishes to make me an enemy? If
    any, speak; for him I shall bury. Who is here so
    vile that will not love UT-Austin? If any, speak;
    for him will I remember. I pause for a reply.

...

DAN BEEBATY

    Friends, Texans, revisionists, lend me your ears;
    I come to bury Osborne, not to praise him.
    The evil that Lincoln did lives after them;
    The good is oft interred with their bones;

    So let it be with the Corn. The noble DeLoss

    Hath told you Osborne was ambitious:
    If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
    And grievously hath Dr. Tom answer'd it.

    Here, under leave of DeLoss and the rest--
    For DeLoss is an honourable man;
    So are they all, all honourable men--
    Come I to speak in Osborne's funeral.

    He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
    But DeLoss says he was resentful;
    And DeLoss is an honourable man.
    He hath lost may votes eleven to one
    Whose ransoms did the Texas coffers fill:

    Did this in Osborne seem spieful?
    When that the poor have cried, Osborne hath wept:
    Such envy should be made of sterner stuff:
    Yet DeLoss says he was envious;
    And DeLoss is an honourable man.

    You all did see that in Kansas City
    I thrice demanded Perlman vow to stay,
    Which he did thrice refuse: was this betryal?
    Yet DeLoss says he was disloyal;
    And, sure, he is an honourable man.

    I speak not to disprove what DeLoss spoke,
    But here I am to speak what I do know.
    You all did love him once, not without cause:
    What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?

    O mem'ry; thou art fled to brutish beasts,
    And men have lost their damn minds. Bear with me;
    My balls lay in the coffin there with Osborne,
    But my purse has strings tied back to Dodds.
    
If you backbitiing, debranded-Orangebloods sunzabitches are going to write such a nakedly brazen poison pen piece, you could have at least had the balls to put your name on it than have use a staff byline.  For Pete's sake, at least the likes of Jennifer Floyd Engel and Woody Paige have that much decency.