LARRY SCOTT TURNS THE PAC-12 INTO THE GOOGLE OF CONFERENCES

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A meeting room at Larry Scott's Malibu ANGULAR HOUSE OF VISION in the John Robinson Memorial Sauna. LARRY SCOTT sits in his sauna with three muses, ICE, ARCTERYXA, and EVONY. Two television screens sit behind glass embedded in each wall. One crackles to life on the left, and the faces of Google execs SERGEY BRIN and LARRY PAGE fill the screen. 

Scott: Good morning, gentlemen. You don't mind if I do this au naturel, do you?

Page/Brin: No we do not, as long as your muses join you.

Scott: Ladies, those are the founders of Google, and they would---

[TOWELS DISAPPEAR}

Page/Brin: Excellent. We speak as one. We live as one. We make math jokes and sex on the private plane in ball pits together.  We are Google. We address you, Larry Scott, as one sapient entity, from the log flume ride at Subterranean Google Playland.

Scott: Wait, you have a---

Page/Brin: --subterranean adult-sized play park all to ourselves? 

Scott: How did you--

Page/Brin: --know what you were going to say? Live auto-complete. It's still in beta, and therefore not perfect yet. For instance we also saw "---almond butter and banana sandwich?" in there too.

Scott: But I do want one right now! They're so good! 

Page/Brin: Note to selves: predictive capabilities may include detection of food cravings. Note to search and marketing for tie-ins.

Scott: If you know what I'm going to say next, um, how can you help us as a conference is a moot question, right? 

Page/Brin: Yes, but we tolerate what we cannot for the moment change. We can change your brand through the power of search. Examples will flash on this screen while we go through the Vagina Forest section of the log flume ride. Audio will continue uninterrupted. 

Other conferences will now appear like this in search.

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Scott: Outstanding. But what about our brand?

Page/Brin: We will optimize your brand, but keep the appearance of organic search through a series of customized responses. We are testing response by gender as one approach. 

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Scott: Guys, I'm beyond thrilled with this, and looking forward to it immensely. I have to get moving, though.

Page/Brin: We know. We have your calendar. We have everything, Larry Scott of the Pac-12. We must complete another loop around the log flume to stimulate our creativity while making math jokes and arranging for airplane sex with beautiful women high over the Pacific. We ride a trough of Bill Gates' tears through a sexual fairy forestland of our own imagination's making. We do this for humanity, Larry Scott.

Scott: Are they really Bill Gates' tears?

Page/Brin: Do you really still use internet explorer?

Scott: I....

Page/Brin: ...

Scott: I'll get Chrome as soon as it stops crashing, guys. I promise.

Page/Brin: We forgive your misunderstanding of our perfections. Until later, Larry Scott.

Their monitor goes dim. The one on the right hums to life, and the face of STEVE JOBS appears.

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Jobs: Namaste, Larry Scott. I see you are not alone.

Scott: In the future everyone has three mistresses with innovative names.

Jobs: Sounds like 1983 to me. Are you into Jazzercise? I LOVE it. So freeing.

Scott: Let's talk strategy, Jobs. What can Apple help us do as a strategic partner.

Jobs: Well, college football is a natural partner for Apple for so many reasons. Like our products, by the time you get everything right with this year's edition, something or someone comes along and redoes it. Like us, they always manage to leave something out of that new edition.

Scott: True.

Jobs: Also, every conference is incompatible with the other's priorities. This is something we at Apple pride ourselves on. 

Scott: So...

Jobs: We'll make your conference's football incompatible with everyone else's, and only play home games. Also, we'll make your product's users the smuggest and most cultlike you've ever seen.

Scott: We can't do that.

Jobs: What do you mean?

Scott: Those copyrights are owned by the Big Ten and SEC, respectively.

Jobs: Dammit.

[FIN]

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