LARRY SCOTT TURNS THE PAC-12 INTO THE GOOGLE OF CONFERENCES
by Spencer Hall on Jun 28, 2011 12:42 PM EDT
Email
Print
A meeting room at Larry Scott's Malibu ANGULAR HOUSE OF VISION in the John Robinson Memorial Sauna. LARRY SCOTT sits in his sauna with three muses, ICE, ARCTERYXA, and EVONY. Two television screens sit behind glass embedded in each wall. One crackles to life on the left, and the faces of Google execs SERGEY BRIN and LARRY PAGE fill the screen.
Scott: Good morning, gentlemen. You don't mind if I do this au naturel, do you?
Page/Brin: No we do not, as long as your muses join you.
Scott: Ladies, those are the founders of Google, and they would---
[TOWELS DISAPPEAR}
Page/Brin: Excellent. We speak as one. We live as one. We make math jokes and sex on the private plane in ball pits together. We are Google. We address you, Larry Scott, as one sapient entity, from the log flume ride at Subterranean Google Playland.
Scott: Wait, you have a---
Page/Brin: --subterranean adult-sized play park all to ourselves?
Scott: How did you--
Page/Brin: --know what you were going to say? Live auto-complete. It's still in beta, and therefore not perfect yet. For instance we also saw "---almond butter and banana sandwich?" in there too.
Scott: But I do want one right now! They're so good!
Page/Brin: Note to selves: predictive capabilities may include detection of food cravings. Note to search and marketing for tie-ins.
Scott: If you know what I'm going to say next, um, how can you help us as a conference is a moot question, right?
Page/Brin: Yes, but we tolerate what we cannot for the moment change. We can change your brand through the power of search. Examples will flash on this screen while we go through the Vagina Forest section of the log flume ride. Audio will continue uninterrupted.
Other conferences will now appear like this in search.
Scott: Outstanding. But what about our brand?
Page/Brin: We will optimize your brand, but keep the appearance of organic search through a series of customized responses. We are testing response by gender as one approach.
Scott: Guys, I'm beyond thrilled with this, and looking forward to it immensely. I have to get moving, though.
Page/Brin: We know. We have your calendar. We have everything, Larry Scott of the Pac-12. We must complete another loop around the log flume to stimulate our creativity while making math jokes and arranging for airplane sex with beautiful women high over the Pacific. We ride a trough of Bill Gates' tears through a sexual fairy forestland of our own imagination's making. We do this for humanity, Larry Scott.
Scott: Are they really Bill Gates' tears?
Page/Brin: Do you really still use internet explorer?
Scott: I....
Page/Brin: ...
Scott: I'll get Chrome as soon as it stops crashing, guys. I promise.
Page/Brin: We forgive your misunderstanding of our perfections. Until later, Larry Scott.
Their monitor goes dim. The one on the right hums to life, and the face of STEVE JOBS appears.
Jobs: Namaste, Larry Scott. I see you are not alone.
Scott: In the future everyone has three mistresses with innovative names.
Jobs: Sounds like 1983 to me. Are you into Jazzercise? I LOVE it. So freeing.
Scott: Let's talk strategy, Jobs. What can Apple help us do as a strategic partner.
Jobs: Well, college football is a natural partner for Apple for so many reasons. Like our products, by the time you get everything right with this year's edition, something or someone comes along and redoes it. Like us, they always manage to leave something out of that new edition.
Scott: True.
Jobs: Also, every conference is incompatible with the other's priorities. This is something we at Apple pride ourselves on.
Scott: So...
Jobs: We'll make your conference's football incompatible with everyone else's, and only play home games. Also, we'll make your product's users the smuggest and most cultlike you've ever seen.
Scott: We can't do that.
Jobs: What do you mean?
Scott: Those copyrights are owned by the Big Ten and SEC, respectively.
Jobs: Dammit.
[FIN]
126 comments
|
15 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Evony and Ibory?
I <3 God and Frank Kush.
by Big Jon on Jun 28, 2011 1:05 PM EDT up reply actions 5 recs
evony and hivery?
/showsselfout
"set the game ablaze, i'm an arcade fire."
by whiskey_soup on Jun 28, 2011 1:26 PM EDT up reply actions
A wretched hivery of scum and villain?
You get that chocolate milk!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jun 28, 2011 1:27 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
seventy fivery?
/headed to FL on I75
"When a woman says "nothing's wrong," that means everything is wrong. And when a woman says "everything's wrong" that means EVERYthing is wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off." H. Simpson
by Sasquatch Love on Jun 28, 2011 1:28 PM EDT up reply actions
74/75?
/theconnells’d
"set the game ablaze, i'm an arcade fire."
by whiskey_soup on Jun 28, 2011 1:35 PM EDT up reply actions
got no reason
i was your sorry ever after
"When a woman says "nothing's wrong," that means everything is wrong. And when a woman says "everything's wrong" that means EVERYthing is wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off." H. Simpson
by Sasquatch Love on Jun 28, 2011 1:52 PM EDT up reply actions
Ahh, yes, my dear Evony....
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 1:10 PM EDT up reply actions
I don't mean to be too cruel, but...
look up “Queen of Evony” sometime. For a chuckle. If you’re, you know, a black-hearted sadist like I am.
Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes
Strangely, I'm OK with that also..
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 1:57 PM EDT up reply actions
She might be Sandra, but this one's not.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 2:12 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Some entries were very nice.....
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 2:18 PM EDT up reply actions
ALPACA OUTTA FUCKIN NOWHERE!
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 2:28 PM EDT up reply actions
That's where I was going.
The ones with the hand-written signs were in their little contest and…woof.
There weren’t any ranch farmers in Evony, as far as I could tell.
Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes
You have to admire their courage though.....
Posting up pictures like that for all to ridicule was pretty brave.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 4:09 PM EDT up reply actions
Yea, verily.
There was some contest for it. I’m sure whatever shitty prize Evony offered was worth the lifetime of internet ridicule those poor ladies suffered.
/goes back to heartlessness now
Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes
Close
But not nearly enough swearing from Jobs.
Team Speed Kills -- SBNation's SEC Blog
If you're so inclined, follow me @Year2
Not enough stealing SEC teams and renaming them, either.
Washington State sucks? No problem! Just steal Mississippi State and call them Wazzu. Even if anyone notices, they’ll be too mesmerized by the marketing to do anything about it.
by vineyarddawg on Jun 28, 2011 12:54 PM EDT up reply actions
Great
Now I really want an almond butter and banana sandwich. Is that like the hippie version of the Elvis sandwich?
Much easier to ignore the questionable quality of things that are covered in cheese.
Even in Africa, they recognize the awesomeness of this piece...
Sorry about the size
"That chick was like, the Pele of anal."
by Bob Genghiskhan on Jun 28, 2011 12:59 PM EDT reply actions
MAUAJI HAVE GOOD SLOGAN FOR APPLE SPOKESHYENA POSITION.
IF YOU NO HAVE iMAUAJI
YOU NO NO HAVE iMAUAJI.
IS CATCHY, YES?
You get that chocolate milk!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jun 28, 2011 1:26 PM EDT up reply actions
iKEBABY sold separate.
...and the drunks all think I made it, and the girls all twist and shake it like they do; all my playground fears have faded, replaced with grown up nightmares that have come true...
by Boozy McHound on Jun 28, 2011 1:45 PM EDT up reply actions
A: Sorry about the size
Q: What are comments I’ve never said to my wife.
by jjester on Jun 28, 2011 1:50 PM EDT up reply actions 6 recs
Dammit!
If only the Big Ten would spend this sort of money on technology!
GET YOUR ASS TO MARS
by Run Home Jack on Jun 28, 2011 1:01 PM EDT reply actions 46 recs
This...this is scrumtrelescent.
You get that chocolate milk!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jun 28, 2011 1:02 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
proud, green, etc
"set the game ablaze, i'm an arcade fire."
by whiskey_soup on Jun 28, 2011 1:07 PM EDT up reply actions
Picture Me Rollin
"All you need is bacon and a dream."
by jc001 on Jun 28, 2011 1:20 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
When he was in high school
I suspect his high school experience differed significantly from my high school experience.
SO MUCH REC'
This is amazing…and amazingly hip as well
"Speak softly and wear a loud shirt" - Kimo's Rules
This "PAC 12" concept all seems very interesting....
Speaking of interesting, w’ould anyone be intere;sted in an experienced chap that knows his w:ay ‘round a hacksaw? Someone that comes in tw.o flavors: Hot and caliente? Someo%ne with three mill;ion dollars in tha bank looking for someone to sp’end it on? If so, you can find me list’ed under, RONPRINCE4YOU, at s’e’ek’c’ou’ga’r.c óm. I’ll be waiting ladies.
"All you need is bacon and a dream."
by jc001 on Jun 28, 2011 1:06 PM EDT reply actions 9 recs
Cont'd.
Larry Scott returns from a Pinkberry run and ball-waxing appointment. He turns on his computer to check on the progress of his new project.
Scott: GOD DAMMIT, WHO SET MY HOMEPAGE TO MEATSPIN?
You get that chocolate milk!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jun 28, 2011 1:08 PM EDT reply actions 10 recs
I un-rec'd this comment...
and then re-rec’d it just so I could get to watch it turn green again.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 1:53 PM EDT up reply actions
One nit, picked:
Most of Big 12 country knows EXACTLY how to get meth delivered to their house.
the john robinson memorial sauna
pictured here
"set the game ablaze, i'm an arcade fire."
by whiskey_soup on Jun 28, 2011 1:11 PM EDT reply actions 5 recs
I am forester and would
like to see this forest you speak of. Also, where do I apply?
by Black Prairie Bullpuppies on Jun 28, 2011 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
Hey iff'n teh Googles....
redirects inquiries about Big East football to Big East basketball, I am OK with that.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 1:25 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
I approve this plan
And want to subscribe to your newsletter.
We can agree on something? Yes, we can!
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 2:13 PM EDT up reply actions
Remember when both WVU and Syracuse beat Uconn in the regular season?
"I find nothing more depressing than optimism."
by Truffle Shuffle on Jun 28, 2011 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions
Yup
9th-place team in the Big East won the national championship. Ain’t it great?
Oh, you mean in football. Nope.
SU didn’t have a team from 2005-2008, and UConn wasn’t in the Big East before then, so…
Hello drothgery, remember me?
"I find nothing more depressing than optimism."
by Truffle Shuffle on Jun 28, 2011 2:28 PM EDT up reply actions
What are you talking about?
Syracuse would never have hired a head coach whose claim to fame was being the defensive coordinator of teams that won with offense and had no ties to the northeast. That’s crazy.
I had to look it up to be sure, but 2006-2007
UConn lost to both WVU and ’Cuse in both football and basketball that year.
Note: Syracuse lost the regular season match-up in Bball to UConn, but beat them in the NCAA tourney.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 2:33 PM EDT up reply actions
.
"set the game ablaze, i'm an arcade fire."
by whiskey_soup on Jun 28, 2011 1:27 PM EDT reply actions 10 recs
UCLA's offense:
You get that chocolate milk!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Jun 28, 2011 1:28 PM EDT up reply actions 16 recs
Notre Dame's last championship trophy:
by Mango Stasi on Jun 28, 2011 1:32 PM EDT up reply actions 20 recs
That's Michigan's. This is Notre Dame's
"I find nothing more depressing than optimism."
by Truffle Shuffle on Jun 28, 2011 1:39 PM EDT up reply actions 13 recs
or this:
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
by Londonjoe on Jun 28, 2011 1:41 PM EDT up reply actions 13 recs
Or Chicago
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
by Londonjoe on Jun 28, 2011 1:46 PM EDT up reply actions 9 recs
Or Yale
"All you need is bacon and a dream."
by jc001 on Jun 28, 2011 1:46 PM EDT up reply actions 9 recs
Don't forget Washington and Jefferson
’
You could hire a baboon, and you should win eight games.
-- Former WVU Heach Coach Don Nehlen on playing in the current Big East
by An 'eer with a beer on Jun 28, 2011 1:56 PM EDT up reply actions 10 recs
I am proud that I made all of these pictures go green.
Too much head, too little heart.
I has a twitter.
YOU get a rec!
And YOU get a rec!
EVERYBODY GETS A REC!
I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left-hand side.
Bradley-Terry rankings for college football and basketball: because there aren't enough computer rankings already.
THIS.....
is indeed ND’s last championship. I was still programming cancellation factors into air search radars using hard-wire jumpers.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 1:55 PM EDT up reply actions
my professor likes to tell the story about how one time there was a bomb threat at his grad school
and a guy went back into the building to get all his punch cards. His girlfriend runs out screaming at him about not getting her, and he just kind of shrugged
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
There was probably a lot more work in that card deck than the GF....
and she’d be easier to replace.
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 4:05 PM EDT up reply actions
shortcut to usc 2004 title
"set the game ablaze, i'm an arcade fire."
by whiskey_soup on Jun 28, 2011 1:33 PM EDT up reply actions 12 recs
Duke football
"All you need is bacon and a dream."
by jc001 on Jun 28, 2011 1:30 PM EDT reply actions 11 recs
Apt and sad joke is apt and sad
true duke football:
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
UNC football, however:
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
by Londonjoe on Jun 28, 2011 1:42 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
UNC football is Mango Stasi?
"I find nothing more depressing than optimism."
by Truffle Shuffle on Jun 28, 2011 1:43 PM EDT up reply actions
LULZsec
The twitter
Anfield Asylum, sbnation's very own open zoo for the most dangerous game: Liverpool fans
"Voetbal is pas totaal als je wint"- Coach Adun
"The greatest sin is to spurn the gift"- Coach Alistair
Needs more violations
"Lattimore, as the kids can say, can ball, and sometimes does it to the extent one might say [he] is out of control in his balling." - Spencer Hall
by GwinnettGamecock on Jun 28, 2011 2:06 PM EDT up reply actions
UNC is the turtle, NCAA is the bird
by Synaesthesia on Jun 28, 2011 2:08 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
UNC's program is Davis' white bronco
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever
-Mark Twain
Also, Fuck Clemson.
by Gamecock2002 on Jun 28, 2011 2:20 PM EDT up reply actions
Pelini Football
" Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. "
by alex henery's foot on Jun 28, 2011 4:20 PM EDT up reply actions
rec for being underappreciated
I've been in love (truly) with five women, the Spanish Republic and the 4th Infantry Division.
Still, more informative than
You could hire a baboon, and you should win eight games.
-- Former WVU Heach Coach Don Nehlen on playing in the current Big East
by An 'eer with a beer on Jun 28, 2011 1:59 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
And SMU makes an appearance.
Formerly 'snail. You get used to it after a while.
by Chris Pendley on Jun 28, 2011 2:02 PM EDT up reply actions 6 recs
SMU you say
<img src=“http:// ”http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/741055/c_2bjames.jpg" target="_blank">http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/741055/c_2bjames.jpg"/>
" Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. "
by alex henery's foot on Jun 28, 2011 4:49 PM EDT up reply actions
phone post fail
" Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. "
by alex henery's foot on Jun 28, 2011 4:53 PM EDT up reply actions
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
#weneedamobileapp
I've been in love (truly) with five women, the Spanish Republic and the 4th Infantry Division.
The Big-12 can't be cultlike. My good friend assures me it isn't.
"I find nothing more depressing than optimism."
by Truffle Shuffle on Jun 28, 2011 1:32 PM EDT reply actions
This article reminds me how racist google is...
"All you need is bacon and a dream."
by jc001 on Jun 28, 2011 1:58 PM EDT reply actions 4 recs
Did you mean:
hispanic people stole my job
Hey Oliver Luck, I'm tired of being the winningest football program to have never won a National Championship. Thank you for doing something about that.
by MtnEer_in_SC on Jun 28, 2011 2:06 PM EDT up reply actions
I thought it was the Asians.
Asians stealing everyone’s jobs.
Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes
It depends
Stupid goobacks!
...and the drunks all think I made it, and the girls all twist and shake it like they do; all my playground fears have faded, replaced with grown up nightmares that have come true...
by Boozy McHound on Jun 28, 2011 3:45 PM EDT up reply actions
Surely it was the potato people
In their potato boats?
You could hire a baboon, and you should win eight games.
-- Former WVU Heach Coach Don Nehlen on playing in the current Big East
by An 'eer with a beer on Jun 28, 2011 3:54 PM EDT up reply actions
rec for the hilarity of sports show
" Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. "
by alex henery's foot on Jun 28, 2011 4:21 PM EDT up reply actions
I googled "Mike Locksley"
and this was the only result provided:
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever
-Mark Twain
Also, Fuck Clemson.
by Gamecock2002 on Jun 28, 2011 2:11 PM EDT reply actions 3 recs
#whitepeopledancing
...and the drunks all think I made it, and the girls all twist and shake it like they do; all my playground fears have faded, replaced with grown up nightmares that have come true...
by Boozy McHound on Jun 28, 2011 2:16 PM EDT up reply actions
...
"All you need is bacon and a dream."
by jc001 on Jun 28, 2011 2:24 PM EDT up reply actions 4 recs
You Big Dummy!
" Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. "
by alex henery's foot on Jun 28, 2011 4:25 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Redd Foxx instarec.
Not one, not two, SIXTEEN Redd Foxx albums on cassette down in the garage.
"Well, if that ain't a show, I'll kiss your ass." - Gov. Jim Folsom Sr. (D-AL), 1948-52
god rest his smutty soul
" Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes. "
by alex henery's foot on Jun 28, 2011 8:43 PM EDT up reply actions
DJ Jesus
Died for your spins.
by T-Jax, Field General on Jun 28, 2011 3:18 PM EDT up reply actions 8 recs
I can never look at this painting any more
without hearing “He spilled the Chateau Latour, the bitch!”
You could hire a baboon, and you should win eight games.
-- Former WVU Heach Coach Don Nehlen on playing in the current Big East
by An 'eer with a beer on Jun 28, 2011 3:56 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
Your seach - ACC Football - did not return any results
Did you mean Fuck Clemson?
by BroccoliD on Jun 28, 2011 4:36 PM EDT reply actions 3 recs
the tragedy of latter day posts
too many cubicle rats, too few of us see great posts like this
I've been in love (truly) with five women, the Spanish Republic and the 4th Infantry Division.
SBN needs a mobile app #teamiwillpayforit
welcome come to : http://www.shoeboxs.us
Cheapest DC Shoes,Discount Brand Purses,Baby Phat Clothing
The website wholesale for many kinds of fashion shoes, like the nike,jordan,prada, also including the
jeans,shirts,bags,hat and the decorations. All the products are free shipping, and the the price is
competitive, and also can accept the paypal payment.,after the payment, can ship within short time.
free shipping
competitive price
any size available
accept the paypal
jordan shoes $46
nike shox $45
Christan Audigier bikini $22
Ed Hardy Bikini $22
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
