THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/15/2011

THIS IS INSTRUCTIVE, BOISE STATE. THINK ABOUT IT. Because we know them better than we know ourselves, because we have been at war with Dawglandia and have always been at war with them, and because we care, we provide the following metaphor for dealing with Georgia fans and preseason expectations.

The point of this stirring image is that is an allegory. Georgia does not panic when they have no expectations, i.e. the giant inflatable alligator float. If anything, that is when they are at their deadliest, and when you should absolutely avoid playing them anywhere. Busted offensive line, no discernible playmakers in the wide receiving corps, and nothing like a running back or defensive tackle to anchor schemes on any side of the ball? Just how Mark Richt likes it, young sir.

Now, give them expectations of value, i.e. tying a large, terrifying beach dime store float to their collar? That's when you get the 2008 Georgia Bulldogs, a team so talented they attempted to play Alabama at home with an offensive line made entirely of hardened nacho cheese and coat hangers. Tell them they are sure to beat a toothless Florida team in Jacksonville in any number of years--2010 was a particularly nasty vintage of this--and they will lose. Have their coach tell everyone about his most talented team he's ever coached, and that is when Quincy Carter chucks freebies into the hands of the South Carolina defense until their arms grow tired from carrying the ball.

So please, Boise. Do you want this to go well for you? THEN TAKE THE CARMAX TAGS OFF THE ESCALADE, TRADE IT IN FOR SOMETHING MORE YOUR SPEED, AND SHUT THE HELL UP. We don't want you to win, but we certainly don't want you to get hurt in the process, either. You're the favorite, and clearly need to be doing what favorites in matchups with SEC teams always do, a lesson the Dawgfather Vince Dooley taught like no other: poormouth yourself until you have convinced the local press you will lose by fifty on seven blocked punts for touchdowns.

Then, poormouthing achieved, you then go tie the float of expectations around Georgia's collar, and watch them run around the yard until they knock themselves out on a pole or something. 

GEORGE O'LEARY THINKS YOU'RE ALL WOMEN. And not the kind who can take a punch, says a George O'Leary quote we just made up but you know is true. The beneficiary of any of the aforementioned Boise State trash-talking, MarkRicht, joins Greg Schiano in the club of coaches who believe kickoffs could be eliminated altogether

"The part about not kicking off I think if it went to a vote, I would vote for no kickoff also," Richt said. "I would just place the ball at the 23-yard line or whatever the average has been. I'm sure the defensive coaches would want it on the 18. Offensive coaches would want it on the 30."

We'd be interested to see what the net effect on the depth chart would be both in terms of injury and in terms of transfers since the only significant playing time many guys ever see is on special teams, and without kickoffs punt return becomes their only real chance to contribute. (Then again, if you're malcontented enough to transfer, chances are a few rushes down the field on kickoffs aren't going to cover it.)

CHEESE TOAST: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. A decision on Russell Wilson is expected as early as tomorrow, and if present trends hold then Wilson will indeed be a Wisconsin Badger for his final year of eligibility. This can only mean the inevitable visit from the Auburn Dog Squad in the night and a late night conversion to Auburn. Watch this happen, but don't call us prophet when it does. This science, not religion.

WELCOME BACK TO THE PITT/PSU RIVALRY. Black Shoe Diaries understands how a proper rivalry game works, and that is to deny you want to play it much at all because "they're not even really a rival." Quality bitters there, PSU. We applaud you for the next level rivalry maneuver, even if we know the game will be a quality addition to the schedule and one Joe Paterno will surely coach in 2016, because we will believe Joe Paterno is dead and gone when we see the body itself with our own eyes. #JoePaternoDeathers #HEWILLOUTLIVEUSALL

$21 MILLION OVER THE NEXT THREE YEARS. Auburn pays its coaches very, very well, but you knew that already and no that is not implying anything they just believe in proper compensation and Trooper Taylor  is going to be a millionaire and hahahahahahah capitalism shore is a funny thing y'all---

GUARANTEED SCALP SWEAT FOR ALL. From what we've seen, Rich Rodriguez on television sweats like he's drinking coffee in a boiler room and isn't exactly compelling viewing, but CBS does pay Tim Brando to talk, so in other words this makes perfect sense. "Back to you, Tim." "Thanks, Tim." "It's Rich, Tim." 'Whatever, Tim!"

MIAMI IS THE HOME FOR REFUGEES DISCRIMINATED AGAINST FOR THEIR RELIGION. Mostly those whose faith in the Church of Douchebaggedness have earned them exile from their native lands, actually.

BILL C. CANNOT BE STOPPED.  Dairy Queen and Ole Miss 2011? A natural match, especially because Houston Nutt would make a really compelling Dairy Queen manager. GIGGITY BOTARKUS I STILL CALL IT THE MISTER MISTY.

IN RELATED NEWS, DAN HAWKINS IS NOW COACH OF THE USA FOOTBALL TEAM. Cody Hawkins will lead our nation to greatness.

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