THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/5/2011

JUSTICE WANTS TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

The Justice Department has sent a letter to the NCAA asking, you know, about that whole BCS thing. Specifically, these were the questions Assistant Attorney General for Antitrust with the Justice Department asked NCAA chief Mark Emmert in the letter.

1. Why does the Football Bowl Subdivision not have a playoff, when so many other NCAA sports have NCAA-run playoffs or championships?

2. What steps, if any, has the NCAA taken to create a playoff among Football Bowl Subdivision programs before or during your tenure? To the extent any steps were taken, why were they not successful? What steps does the NCAA plan to take to create a playoff at this time?

3. Have you determined that there are aspects of the BCS system that do not serve the interests of fans, colleges, universities, and players? To what extent could an alternative system better serve those interests?

If this is all part of a power play by Mark Emmert to get in league with the Corleones against the Freemasons and the Bennetts all the while circumventing the Gnomes of Zurich's grip on the bowl system by using the Justice Department to create an NCAA-run playoff, then two things:

  1. Well played, Don Emmert. [kisses ring]
  2. DAN WETZEL IS THE BIGGEST PATSY EVER. Unless he's getting a cut, in which case [kisses his ring, too.]

The NCAA issued a non-response, quite the achievement for an organization that doesn't exist. We still don't see the mechanism behind the collapse of a system ESPN and Fox just pumped another billion dollars into, or the counterargument to the basic dynamics favoring every conference's investment in the system: namely that with the BCS large, monied college football superpowers get their own exclusive pool of money to fund their programs while simultaneously getting revenue from television contracts, all the while maintaining a high degree of sovereignty over their finances and protecting their position.

That's the one missing link from any playoff system argument of mutual benefit for all: the "some" in this equation are just fine with the current financial setup, and will remain so until it doesn't work. Barring a deus ex machina from an intervening Leviathan--the Justice Department and the US Government being the only real suspect here--we are stuck with the current flavor of corruption, and will have to wait indefinitely for the new one.

(Which could be just as bad, but would be new, and that's certainly not to be overlooked in the plus department. MMMM. New tasty corruption! WE WANT IT SO BAD LEMME TASTE IT MMM---)

SPEAKING OF OUTSIDERS, NEW FLAVORS OF CORRUPTION, AND NASTINESS. Boise State's still throwing small change around in terms of corruption, but they do have their upstart feistiness on display in terms of their ability to generate HR lawsuits and internal complaints. #womenbemad

DO NOT EVER ASK YOUR ROOMMATE TO HIDE YOUR UNDERWEAR, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF SEXUAL ASSAULT. The U's Jeffrey Brown turned himself in on sexual assault charges yesterday afternoon, and this is bad, bad, bad, especially if you care to investigate the police report for yourself and read the extremely unflattering details of the case.

One note on what appears to be an ugly drunken incident of sexual misconduct of a serious nature: you can't ever ask your roommate to hide your spunky underwear, especially if it could in theory get him a criminal charge of some sort. Also, don't text him this while the police are looking, but that's like at least 45 different mistakes down this chain of bad decisions leading to this point.

PREVIEWS OMG WE HAVE PREVIEWS. Not of very good teams, but bad teams previewed very, very well by Bill Connelly. He has kind words for Austin Arnaud, our favorite quarterback whose name could double for a mid-20th century B-movie protagonist, and unkind words for Jack Trice Stadium in his Iowa State preview, and as for Washington State, hey! It gets better! (As in like, five wins or so.)

AND THE ILLEGALS AND THE OJS TOO. This is a very, very stupid way to get arrested, but totally worth it for the FIVE PAGES of comments following an article about BYU's Cody Hoffman spending a short spell in jail for a misunderstanding over a traffic ticket. This person has an awesome understanding of the criminal justice system!

Wow. He got a ticket for going 33 in a 25 mph zone. And then apparently they didn't take into account the $140 was paid to the Justice Court. Does the legal system have anyone it in with brains? The guilty get off (OJ, illegals, et al) and the law abiding citizens who are late with payments get hammered.

We can totally hear Nancy Grace on in the background, and can see the half-finished handwritten letter on the table expressing outrage at the local ABC affiliate's recent cancellation of Saturday afternoon MASH reruns.

OH, AUBURN MEN. She only liked the fact that they're willing to pay for services, y'all.

ANOTHER REASON TO FAVOR INDIA IN THE INDOPAK INTERNATIONAL DYAD. There are a lot of other reasons, but first and foremost: Indian policemen were once paid to grow mustaches because they "commanded more respect."

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