Scene: Larry Scott's Malibu headquarters.
You are visiting Commissioner Scott at his Malibu headquarters to discuss the Pac-12's new television deal. He lets you in with a beatific smile wearing an untucked shirt and linen pants.
Please, take your shoes off. The floors are real Indonesian teak. No, I didn't have it logged! That would be barbaric given the conditions of Indonesia's threatened old-growth forests. These are repurposed board taken from years of collecting driftwood along the Pacific coast. I purchased it myself from my friend rObdeer, a San Francisco sculptor, artist, and homeopath. The big O in his name symbolizes oneness, and the deer is for his animal spirit guide.
No, I'm not sure if he ever played baseball. He might have, though.
Please admire the vistas. I had these bay windows installed to remind me of the limitless power of the Western landscape. In the morning I meditate nude here, and have had no complaints from the neighbors. We don't judge nudity the same way out here. John Wooden coached the entire 1972 season au naturel. Did you know that? You may not have, but Bill Walton swears Wooden had the most inspirational sixth chakra he'd ever seen. I don't doubt his claims.
Do you mind if I put on some music? I feel the need for some relaxing music to accompany this conversation.
Some people on the East Coast don't even know what California is, or that the United States shares a border with The Cetacean Republic. It's what we call the body of water you know as the Pacific Ocean. When the whales rise up and claim what is theirs in the future, we will all have to call it that, especially the Japanese, who may be in some trouble at that point.
But I can see I'm boring you. So East Coast of you! Always in a hurry, trying to hustle from one little box to another. We're just a little more relaxed out here about everything: time, labels, all that. Life's so short---this one, at least--that we just don't see the point of---
ARMONDO! ARMONDO! TEND TO THOSE FUCKING FLOWERS AT ONCE! RAPIDO! I TOLD YOU IF I DON'T SEE A HUMMINGBIRD IN THE NEXT FOUR DAYS YOU ARE SO TERMINADO IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY---
I'm sorry, it's just that I'm passionate about our native hummingbirds, and what's happening to the bees, and well there's really such a long list. I can't do it all myself, which leads me to our television contract. Rhetoric has its own serendipity, doesn't it?
Since you're impatient, I'll summarize for you. Pardon me while I channel my East Coastese.
/pretends to slick hair back
/puts on imaginary tie
/hunches shoulders up
Remember the guy who used to run this conference? Me neither, and I can't see him over these huge brass balls, that's why, pal.
I more than quadrupled our current revenue in a single move and kept full rights to our own network unlike those lumpen schleps in the Midwest drinking their way through winters and listing their favorite place to meet new people as "the crawlspace."
I got us more money than those stumpfucking hilljacks in the SEC have for each school without resorting to the kind of nickel-and-dime UHF-grade production you see on their school's licensed programming. Have you ever seen what those look like? Burkina Faso called: they want their channels and their goat back, and the goat better not cry after you when I take it, if you know what I mean. Oh, and we graduate our players and honor their scholarships. Madness, but we're different out here.
I got us guaranteed prime time games on ESPN and Fox. I got our championship game on both networks. I extended the career of Thom Brennaman as a college football announcer, but no great dictator moves without committing a few war crimes, am I right? I might have even done that on purpose to troll the rest of the nation because in the future we are all trolls, and you just don't know it yet. U MAD, FLYOVER COUNTRY? I hope you are. I'll prop his head in a jar and have him call the games for the rest of eternity if I want to.
I'm Larry Fucking Scott, and this is the Pac-12. Notice we're the only conference with Tupac's name and the gauge of a shotgun in the name? BLAMMO. You've been Smug Life'd by the future, and it's so much better than you imagined, isn't it? You wanna know how successful we're going to be? I'll call it now: Colorado fans will actually care about football. People in LA will start stabbing each other in the stands over sports that really matter like college football. Washington State is going to have a winning record.
Don't look at me like that. It's the future, and I'm already balls-deep in it.
I know that because I'm sitting here in 2019, just watching Kat Dennings' first explicit all-nude love scene in the movie Portal 8, based on the video game made by--yup--smart people in Washington. She's making love to two robot doubles of herself and using the portal gun to concoct sexual positions not thought possible on the East Coast.
I wish you could see it, but you're on the East Coast. That's too bad, because it is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
/turns off East Coast Larry Scott
Well, that got out of hand! I was right about being from the future. For instance--Oh, thank you Armondo, and next time BRING SOME ICE AND DON'T JUST HAND ME A DAMN SWEATY CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE--I knew you'd want a glass of California sparkling wine right about now. And--oh! Look. I just happened to arrange a Stand-Up Paddleboarding expedition for the afternoon. It's like surfing for those without athletic ability or self-respect. I think you especially would like it.
i know, you have to get back to the office! We just do that sometimes out here. Oh, we like to work. But being in the future means you know what's coming, which is why--hello, ladies!---I'm not surprised by seeing those three ladies in the hot tub out here on the balcony, either. I told you we had different opinions about nudity. Surely your story requires more research? No, don't get up Lori! Lori there was a former volleyball player at UCLA, and as you can tell--Lori, you, you, Lori--was quite the jumper.
ARMANDO! MORE CHAMPAGNE AND HUMMINGBIRDS! NOW!