FULL COST OF ATTENDANCE MEANS A LOT OF DIFFERENT THINGS

We are all for the full cost of attendance modifications being proposed by the Big Ten. It puts the B1G on some equal footing with SEC schools since we've proudly been providing scholarships of variable enhanced value for years. (The sunshine is free, recruit! And sometimes so is the car, its insurance, and the various gift cards sitting in the glove compartment.) It also may ever so slightly reduce the chances of a recruit being bought off by an agent, though the majority of recruits happy to deal with agents before will just demand more money. People are fun like that! 

The cost of living varies widely from place to place, however. For instance, each of the following schools has its own unique expenses that can't be accounted for by a single blanket number coupled with inflation.

USC/UCLA: Ball-waxing, taco truck bill, botox injections, Pinkberry twice a week. 

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USC's Super-agent Teague Egan agrees: waxing and Pinkberry are so beyond crucial as living expenses. (Via.)

RUTGERS: Gym membership because they don't have the fat grip deadlift/shrug bar at the student rec center. 

OHIO STATE:  "What do you mean by 'things cost money?'" 

FLORIDA: Herbal vaporizer, towing fees, penicillin.

IOWA: Spare replacement kidney on call, city-mandated North Face jacket.

NOTRE DAME: Well-constructed name-brand backpacks, since that smug isn't going to carry itself. Servant to carry said backpack.

INDIANA: One gun, one bullet, one plastic tarp.

ALABAMA: Quality bowl for bimonthly male haircut, galoshes for ladies, ceremonial statue funds for construction of Crimson Tide idols in student apartments.

KENTUCKY: Handshake deal with Black Pike Mining Company and the finest Kentucky Spring Water ensuring you'll never care about winning more than 58% of the time the rest of your life. Oh, and notebook paper. It's like 70 dollars a sheet there.

NORTHWESTERN: Dignity. Brains and money will only get you so far.

WEST VIRGINIA: Unless cunning and mountain guile come in a jar, nothing, thank you very much. (It does, and its price varies from county to county depending on what its made of and how flammable it is.)

LSU: Miracle-Gro, Ortho Weed-B-Gon, one exquisite Blancpain wristwatch hammered to shit with a rusty crowbar, one live kangaroo for each student.*

*No reason. Just imagine the possibilities, though.

WISCONSIN: Only the finest in second brunch, second lunch and second dinner culinary offerings. Also: a sturdy, strong legged female tutor to pull the plow.

GEORGIA: Testosterone supplements, HGH, Viagra, shoe inserts, hairplugs, and other necessities required by a middle-aged football program.

HAWAI'I: Bail.

TEXAS: Khaki pants, queso, tubs of Tommy Lee Jones' sweat for personal cosmetic use, stylish guns for home presentation.

MEMPHIS: Real goddamn guns for home protection and all the body armor a man can wear without collapsing in the heat.

NEBRASKA: Monthly rabies vaccinations (source: Pelini bites)

AUBURN: "We're good, thanks."

MISSISSIPPI STATE: With the cost of living in Starkville so low, actually owes someone money back.

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