THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/23/2011


CORRECTION: THAT SHOULD READ "AN EXPENSIVE PIG." Bobby Petrino signed a contract extension with Arkansas taking his annual salary to an average of $3.56 million a year through 2017. Laugh if you will, but he may actually see the end of this contract. No, really: the mirror buyout sits at $18 million for the next two years and stays at the extremely punitive number of $10 million through the next five years.

That's a lot of bacon insurance for Arkansas, but they doubled up further on any urge to wander by extending his non-compete from what was just an embargo on leaving for an SEC West team and extending it to the entire SEC, a legal maneuver we dub "The Houston Nutt Clause." In return Petrino was paid $500K just for signing the agreement, given a shitload of money on top of the huge sum he was already being paid for coaching football at the University of Arkansas. He could pull in an additional $300K for winning the national title, but after the numbers we just threw around talking about the rest of the deal, we couldn't blame him for just lighting the bonus on fire if it happened due to the scale we're talking about here.

If Petrino does this, it will in fact look like the Joker lighting his pile of cash, and sitting bound and gagged atop the bonfire will be Tommy Tuberville and the Atlanta Falcons mascot.

THE CAVITY SEARCH WAS BOTH UNNECESSARY AND DEVOID OF THE LOVING, SKILLED TOUCH WE HAVE EXPERIENCED AT OTHER LOCATIONS. The bowl satisfaction surveys the Wiz has been poring through have their moments, and some of those moments concern Shreveport.

"The bowl staff is probably not aware of the most unpleasant experience during departure at the Shreveport Airport," he wrote. "The TSA staff was inadequate in size and provided the most thorough inspection of each passenger ever experienced. It literally took 2 hours to process 190 passengers through check-in and there were no other people in the entire airport.

Shreveport TSA loves you down and loves you slowly, girl. It's not their fault you can't appreciate the seduction. Air Force did not complete a satisfaction survey for the game, and that is a shame since Fisher DeBerry isn't doing anything and his complaints would have been delightful. "THE AFRO-AMERICAN EMPLOYEES USED THE SCANNER THING TO EXAMINE MY PERSONAL PARTS AND I HAVE BEEN VIOLATED IN A MANNER I DID NOT ENJOY AT ALL SINCERELY FISHERCOACH@AOL.COM." 

GARY PATTERSON LIKES OUT-OF-CONFERENCE GAMES. GARY PATTERSON JUST ELIMINATED HIMSELF FROM EVER BEING THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA'S HEAD COACH.  Gary Patterson prefers the Big East's numbers at ten teams since it allows for four OOC games, games that allow teams to grow, mature, and make a name for themselves on the national stage. Gary Patterson just made Jeremy Foley's intestines cramp with the mere mention of this concept. (The rest of the Big East, meanwhile, is completely split on allowing Villanova into the football ranks, and we can completely understand that because hey, you're...um...Villanova.)

NOOOOOOOO. Alabama and Auburn spend a lot of money on video services and other scouting apparatuses. BOLD UPDATE: both universities in Alabama spend a shitload of money on everything that has to do with football, including the making of huge statues, stadium embellishments, coaching salaries, weight rooms, marketing, over-the-top pregame videos, and anything else one can slap the word "football" onto in the name of profit, glory, and ye olde alma mater. We report, you DUHcide.

THOUGHTS OF A SYMPATHETIC NATURE. Send them to OU's Brent Venables, who lost his brother just days after the death of his starting middle linebacker Austin Box.

ETC OF AN ETCETEROUS NATURE. Because the Thrashers leaving Atlanta has anything to do with Atlanta being any kind of a sports town in any way whatsoever, or aka the horrifying moment we agree with Mark Bradley on something. Grant Garner's 'stache puts him in the lead for our Rimington Trophy rooting interests. We see nothing wrong with this pose on any level, actually. We looked over on the beach on Saturday for the last time on vacation after dropping a flying elbow on a horseshoe crab and saw this:

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It felt right.

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