Calling all LAWYAS, and other fine folks with advice


Dear Fine EDSBS Commentariat,

I’m a long-time reader and commenter posting under this stupid name for a couple of reasons.  Please forgive me.  Orson, swing Yon Banhammer on this account if you’d rather your blog not be used for this sort of thing.  I consider many of you to be good friends and smart people and want to ask for advice from any of you that might have any.  I don’t want to share this with co-workers and most of my friends are also friends of my wife.  This is a big damn wall of text, but I want any of you with advice to know as much about my situation as possible:



I’m afraid that I might be looking at a divorce.  My wife of 9 years and I have been growing apart for a while now and we feel like we might have already done all we can to hold the marriage together.  Looking back on our time together, I’m at the point where I almost (emphasis on almost) welcome a split.  This would have been easy before we had kids.

Family background:  We have a kid in elementary school and one that will start elementary school in 2012.  My wife has not worked full time since our oldest was born so she could be home to raise the kids.  She is a great mom.  She has the education and experience to get back into the professional world, but has not yet.  So I am the breadwinner in our average middle class household.  I am a professional employed by an organization, so I haven’t built a business or anything like that.  We’ve always had separate bank accounts…I just write a check to her when she needs it.  All that said, I don’t think she’s going to try to take me to the cleaners or anything like that.  I live in a state where you must be separated one year before a divorce is final.

Ass covering:  I have not said that I want a divorce.  I say as little as possible now.  I’m trying to preliminarily cover my ass with the thickest and slickest of Kevlar/Teflon.  Teflar sounds like a good product, fellow Vikings.  Get with it, engineers.  I’m willing to work on and stay in this sexless marriage indefinitely.  I WILL NOT be the one who leaves.  

My priorities:  What really scares the shit out of me is the situation with the kids.  We’re both loving parents, and I think what she has in mind is for her to move out but stay local.  That leaves me with the house, and mortgage, and her probably in some small apartment that she can afford on starting-out pay.  She won’t abandon the kids by any stretch, but if their bedrooms are at my house then…  Sounds a lot like I’m about to become a single father while she lives it up.  I’m a Viking too, dammit.  Still, my Vikinghood is not as important to me as my babies and I’ll change my lifestyle if necessary.  

The unthinkable:  There has been no infidelity; however today she left for "a break" at her parents unoccupied home in her home town that’ll last two nights.  More of those trips likely coming and I welcome them.  I won’t cheat…can’t do it.  I‘m not putting it past her if this drags out.  I could vomit just typing this.  She won’t be able to keep it from me if she cheats.  What if she does?  I would not take her back if she did.

While I don’t want a divorce for the sake of the kids, I can’t imagine us growing old together.  I can’t picture her taking care of me if I were to get cancer or something horrible like that.  There has been enough said over the years, but mostly recently, that makes it where I’m barely attracted to her anymore and can’t keep my eyes off other women wherever I go.  And my wife is quite hot.  I’m very unhappy in this relationship and my whisky consumption proves it.  I’ll do what’s best for the kids, but I’m terrified of being a mostly full time single dad.  Maybe I shouldn’t be.  I could pull it off.

Should I be worried financially?  What are my options with the kids?  What mixes well with Clorox?  

Thanks in advance for any advice…prayers would be appreciated as well



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