THINGS THAT HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME WITH THEIR LACK OF COMMITMENT, BY TOM O'BRIEN


The dismissal of Russell Wilson, NC State's starting quarterback in 2010 and current minor league baseball player, came as a shock to the entire ACC football community and the 84 people who pay very, very close attention to the ACC as well as to NC State fans. In defense of his actions, Tom O'Brien lists Wilson as one of the things he is disappointed at for its lack of commitment.

10. Wheat Thins. What was once palatable nourishment in a carefully regimented snack schedule is not salty beyond all reasonable expectations of salty. I have noticed the creep for some time, Wheat Thins, but now you are no better than a flaky Triscuit in my opinion. Those are strong words, but accurate ones, i believe.

9. The Month of April. Far too hot this year, and anything but committed to the concept of springtime moderation between showers and flowers. I expected more from you April, and you failed to deliver. Expect a sternly worded letter from me on this matter as soon as I acquire your address.

8. Hanes Lay-Flat Collars and Your Lack of Commitment To Dignified Manhood. Smugly announcing your product's superiority on television is brash, immodest, and especially distasteful in its use of a celebrity endorsement. I shall no longer wear your products, and will switch brands immediately until you adopt a more tasteful method of product endorsement. Is a man smiling on a boat while enjoying the company of his family too wholesome an image for you, Fruit of the Loom? Can we not simply have a man performing yardwork instead of nodding smugly in first class while accosted by an indecently familiar stranger? Your commitment to wholesome undergarmentry is hereby questioned.

7. Milk. You've been tasting unusually fresh lately, milk. Tone it down or I'm going to start wondering whether you really want to be Tom O'Brien's milk.

6. My postman, Dave. I am this close to filing a complaint should Dave place my mail in a haphazardly constructed  and structurally unsound diagonal formation leaning against the side of my mailbox. A true postman professional lays the mail address-side up in a neat pile exactly five inches from the mouth of the box in order to prevent damage from the elements. Commitment is a serious thing, Dave. Let's see some and you will receive my famous unsweet edible flaxseed shortbread discs for your Christmas present.

5. Printers. Colors? No thank you, printers. Your ambition will be the undoing of you. Dot-matrix still works just fine for me.

4. Russell Wilson. Confirms my distrust of people with two first names for a full name. They can't even commit to a surname! Unbelievable, our society today. (Wait, he could also have two last names, too. His lack of commitment knows no bounds.)

3. The moon. Sometimes doesn't show up at all. O'Brien's going to need a heavenly body he can count on. Mars seems like a steady performer, if undersized.

2. Frogs. You're here, you're on land. Make up your mind and choose excellence, you slimy dilettantes.

1. Soda Water. Your bubbles confuse, and are too close to the slatternly Sprite in profile. Go flat and find salvation in commitment to simple refreshment without all the excitement.

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