THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/2/2011

REAL FOOTAGE FROM LSUFREEK OF RECENT GLOBAL EVENTS

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This is real and not altered in any way. 

ACTUAL FOOTBALL NEWS.  At this point the intramural flag football league at Ohio State better run for cover, since the suspended players of Columbus could put together a nasty FF team provided they don't get Tressel to coach. "Hey, you guys need a playbook, or a coach or something?" Pryor: "Um, nah, we good coach." "I dunno, Terrelle. Seems like Dave would do pretty well in that setting." "..."

TOM O'BRIEN DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE COMMITTED ENOUGH TO OATMEAL. He didn't want to leave, says Russell Wilson, but the notorious T.O.B. kicked him off the team anyway because of his "lack of commitment" to football. Wilson, who will spend the summer playing minor league baseball, still has a year of eligibility left and is by rule available immediately for transfer. DON'T DO IT RUSSELL DON'T LOOK IN THE EYES THAT'S HOW HE GETS YOU---

HOME OF THE FREE ON THE TACKLE. Oregon had 43,000 for its spring game, which grading on the West Coast curve is like having 400,000 in the stands on the East Coast. Land of the Free busted a 67 yard gain just to show that he's still Land of the Free, and by that we mean "LaMichael James" since everyone was wearing camo variations of Oregon's normal jerseys with "Land of the Free" or "Home of the Brave" on the back. (Or at least as normal as Oregon's unis ever are.)

MICHIGAN STATE'S SPRING GAME FEATURED A DANCING BEAR. The idea of mixing Mark Dantonio seems like a bad idea, or at least how small children get hurt in impromptu basement fight clubs, but the Spartans did indeed have fun in their spring game when hoops player Draymond Green, aka "The Dancing Bear," lined up at tight end. His three plays: wide open on a pass route, one massive false start, and a holding penalty.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT WOO OWW OMG THE HEADLINES ARE TOO EASY AND HORRIBLE. Kevin Price will be the likely starter for Washington come fall after a slightly more impressive spring than Nick Montana. Price continued his upward trajectory with a 20/28, 218 yard performance with 3 TDs in the Huskies' spring game, and added 53 yards on five carries just to be all teacher's pet about winning the job.

MARYLAND HAD A SPRING GAME, TOO. Gary Crowton, do your worst.

WAIT, THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY FIGHT FOR THE JOB? This headline needs more Thunderdome to it. Across the state in Kansas, Bill Snyder smiled, most likely because he was thinking about watching film by himself in the dark for 18 hours now that this spring game business is over.

 

SEANTREL WILL STAY AT MIAMI. He can't leave until he can squat 450 pounds, at least.

GAMBLING WILL ALSO STAY IN MIAMI. The hidden cameras aren't really necessary here, ESPN. Those dudes would have been openly exchanging money in the stands if you'd had a gigantic three lens tv camera from the '60s and a sign reading "YOU ARE BEING FILMED GAMBLING ON HIGH SCHOOL AND POP WARNER FOOTBALL."

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