THE CURIOUS INDEX, 05/19/11

THE ZOMBIEPOCALYPSE COMETH So says the CDC, who in some inane act of SEO whoring having taken to the interwebs with what some really geeky Harvard public policy grad thinks "WORLD WAR Z" must've been like:

Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won't stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don't have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

Perhaps most frighteningly of all the CDC's survival guide was down the majority of Wednesday afternoon and evening. Stephen Garcia's read all 84 issues of The Walking Dead and been building up his tolerance to ephedrine in preparation, you know, just in case.

If nothing else, America would be well served by embracing the only known weapon to decapitate humans and zombies alike: Diet Coke and Mentos.

(TOTH: Adam "RIP Oopspow" JaBRObi. You can #FollowFriday him on twitter at @Adam_Jacobi)

SLIVE PREPARES LEGISLATIVE INACTION There's no doubting SEC commissioner Mike Slives' credentials and body of work in helping build the league to the echelon of college athletics. However, if anyone thinks in earnest that he's actually prepared something substantive to mount the increasingly polarizing practice of oversigning, you would be mistaken, sir or madam. By publicly attempting to act in opposition to the issue, Slive covers his own ass when the vote inevitably goes 10 Nay, 1 Yay, and 1 James Franklin thought the agenda said "Continental Breakfast: 8 am." That, or the proposal ultimately equates to "OVERSIGNING FOR SOME, MINIATURE AMERICAN FLAGS FOR OTHERS".

LANE KIFFIN IS A MAN OF HIS WORD USC football pedagogue Lane Kiffin will have you know that USC are not fashion innovators. Contrary to the rumors, the Trojans are sticking by their guns that they won't be breaking out any alternate jerseys against UCLA or any other time in 2011, something else Kiffin certainly has no experience in"I don’t feel any need to change our uniforms based on Oregon, what they do. That doesn’t register with me," Kiffin said. "We always want to be cutting edge as far as materials … but not as far as the colors." No word on whether SC's 2011 jerseys will actually sweat Gatorade G2 as a player's level of hydration dictates it or merely sparkle like a sexually repressed Mormon vampire.

B.C.WHO? NCAA president Mark Emmert has no idea what you're talking about Justice Department. He and his bros were just shooting cans in the cul de sac behind his Mom & Dad's place last weekend. Honest, ask Johnny. You should probably call the BCS' parents because I totally heard they broke curfew Friday and once asked a girl on the bus if it hurt when they cut her wiener off.

OXNERSHIRTED Like most NCAA athletes with designs on actually graduating college, Arkansas center Seth Oxner has his degree in applied exercise science in hand, so why should he bother using up his final year of eligibility at a school anyone's ever heard of? Despite starting all 13 games in 2009 and seeing time last season, it's time to call it a career with the Boll Weevills of Arkansas-Monticello. Just like a Disney movie.

BOILERSWAG Purdue's getting new duds. If these are seriously them, my brain will do this. On the possibilities there in:

[Coach Danny] Hope said the uniforms will feature different combinations. When asked if the Boilermakers will have as many combinations as Oregon: "I don't know about that."

Oregon has nearly 400 different combinations.

FALSE well mustached (mostly) anonymous Boilermaker beat writer. Oregon has but 384.

NOTORIOUS B1G Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany wants to make it rain on these ho's*.       *=Ho's may or may not constitute student athletes.

Essentially with more television money than the league knows what to do with, Delany is championing a proposal not unlike that of the late Myles Brand to put up to $3000 in additional income in student athletes' pockets annually to help with transportation, clothing, and helpful study aids like Rockstar Games' L.A. Noire. Why get in upwards of hundreds of thousands of dollars in illicit pay-for-play windfalls when you can get a cool 3 g's to buy a) a pimped out Macbook Pro, b) an unforgettable weekend in Windsor, ON with your bros, c) ten suits from JoS. A. Bank. How's a playa supposed to shine if he ain't got no JoS.?

IMPORTANT Fearless leader is watching you poop, even while on vacation.

 

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