THE CURIOUS INDEX, 05/18/2011

[VIA HORNSBYWAVES] Oh, Justin Vernon, you beautiful bastard. Clearly ashing blunts with Rick Ross in Hawaii was the key to unlocking an all intents and purposes 1987 ark of the covenant in your mind. Now promise us a music video with a sweaty sax man and Steve Winwood hair for the self-titled record's tour and you will elevate yourself further from mere god to titan:

HARVEY UPDATE Noted arborist Harvey Updyke's legal swag has now progressed steadily from mere local nuisance level to cartoonish super villainry as the book's now been thrown at him (legalese) to the tune of federal charges. We remain on vigil for the fictional jury's ruling on the fictional charges levied against the fictional purpitraitors in the heinous fictional assault that left Mr. Updyke fictoinally scarred. If hours upon hours of terrible movies have taught me anything, the increased legal stakes will now mean a religious zealot will go to any means necessary to make sure a higher justice is served. Unfortunately for Updyke, in Alabama, that may involve some sort of departure by catapult.

*INSERT INTELLECTUALLY LAZY PUN ABOUT BLOWING OUT OF TOWN* After much idle speculation about his future in Coral Gables, Miami tailback Storm Johnson has summarily departed from The U. When reached for comment Al Golden began to speak in tongues until an assistant coach spoon fed him the BSN NO-Xplode he requires for full mental and physical sustenance. The burden now falls on Lamar Miller and Mike James from game to game to avoid the M*A*S*H unit nightmare fuel scenario 'Canes fans will be losing sleep over all summer. Anyone know if Spencer Whipple has any halfback experience?

ZACH BROWN? HIM? Set to occupy approximately the 47 string running back slot on Wisconsin's reserve of hundreds, fifth year senior Zach Brown has elected to finish his playing career elsewhere. Because he's on track to complete his academic requirements this Summer, Brown will be eligible immediately to finish his playing career at another FBS school. *PAGING A MOUSTACHED MIDWESTERN HEAD COACH* This evidently has no bearing on Wisconsin's continued flirtation with former NC State quarterback Russell Wilson though the Badgers still remain 2 roster spots shy of being able to formally welcome the playcaller into the fold. Lord help the two poor souls who are ultimately Bielemashirted.

THIS TIME, IT COUNTS Famed optimist MGoBrian of MGoBlog fame has logically ridden the line of thinking the past several seasons that Michigan's negative turnover margin potentially meant big things for the Wolverines season to come. This, in true Rich Rodriguez era fashion, naturally resulted in more of the same. Third time's the charm (maybe!) we learn this go around. Denard Robinson's seniority/experience would ordinarily suggest a net positive swing on the offensive side of the ball, but the complete reimagining of the offense and evolution from Rich Rod's spread to Al Borges' west coast'y chillfense may negate some of those expected gaines. Mr. Cook sums it up well, however, stating "this is the year Michigan has a mediocre turnover margin. Believe." /angelsintheoutfieldturnovermotion

On that note, who should we expect to see on The Oracle's annual shortlist for quick turn arounds based on poor showings turnover-wise in 2k10? Amongst them Central Michigan (fire up), Cincinnati (Butchthorpe'd), Texas, UCLA, Indiana, Michigan (yup), Miami of Florida, and Houston. Case Keenem's 22nd year of eligibility should account for a one man +.5 per game gain.

ENJOY YOUR UNEVENTFUL OFFSEASON BUCKEYES Brady Hoke is undynamic enough to stick at UM proposes Scarlet & Gray polymath Ramzy. With the checkbooks wide open for elite caliber assistants, Hoke and co. set to reap the rewards from the aftermath of long overdue expensive facility upgrades, and faux-patronizing B1G/MAC name substitution puns being lobbed a plenty, the next decade of Michigan football seems all but certain to not derail the way the final third of the last did. Thank goodness Ohio State partisans have stability and calm to hang their hats on preventing radical sea change.

HURRPLEDURRPLE PROBATION The Fiesta and Insight Bowls had their bowl licenses renewed, but not without being grounded from Nintendo 3DS for the whole afternoon. Both Phoenix-area based post-season exhibitions will be placed on the NCAA legalistic equivalent of a cop writing you a warning citation in crayon in the form of one year probation. Fund raising orgies can no longer be classified as full on bacchanalia and participants must now consist primarily of first timers and those excluded by unequitable male-to-female ratios at the last meeting.

SOULJA WHO? CRANK? HEH. I ONCE SPENT 14 YEARS IN A PRISONER OF WAR CAMP -- I THINK IT WAS IN CAMBODIA BUT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY THERE WAS SO MUCH WATER AND SO MANY TOWELS AND SO MANY CURTAINS THAT LOOKED LIKE GLOBES YOU WOULD'VE THOUGHT IT WAS A COLLEGE BATHROOM BUT I'VE WOKEN UP IN ENOUGH OF THOSE TO KNOW THIS WAS DIFFERENT TOO.

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