FanPost

Brief Interviews With Hideous Coaches

for the DFW fans out there...



B.I. #6556 12-2009
Los Angelos, CA


'Well you tell them that I don't care how much they're offering; it's not about the money.  It never was.  It's about changing a young man's life, and doing things the right way.  I've been there before, and it's just not the same.  It's a business.  This is different.'
Q.
'I understand, but that's just not how I feel...hold on, I'm getting a call on the other line...Hello?'
Q.
' "Failure to promote an atmosphere of compliance?"  What the fuck does that mean?  Hold on, let me call you back...You still there?'
Q.
'How much did you say Seattle was offering?'

B.I. #378  05-2010
Baton Rouge LA

'No, I don't think they really appreciate what I do.  It's so much more than Xs and Os; sometimes the players don't understand that either, even though I try to explain it - the fans definitely don't.  All they care about is wins and loses and parties and whatever...they think they understand football, but they don't - not on the level that people like me operate on.'
Q.
'Well, for instance, that a play is more than a play.  It's also part of a gameplan, and a season, and a job, and a career.  Sometimes I might call a play in the first quarter knowing it might not work that well.  Later on, though, that's when I run it again and it still doesn't work.  After THAT though, I'll call something that looks like the other play to fool them and it's something else entirely.  That's the whole point.  Sometimes I might call a play a bunch for an entire season, just to fool people two or three years down the road.  People don't understand that because they don't see the big picture.'
Q.
'Well if I told them what I was doing, everyone else would know and the whole thing would be ruined.  The problem is when they come back and show you a play that looks really bad, and they don't understand that there are other plays that are really connected to that play but you can't just come out and say,"LOOK in a couple of weeks I'm going to run a stop and go off of that and it is gonna be AWESOME! You'll see what happens." '
Q.
'What happens is that it works!  Sometimes.  About half the time; actually probably more like 5% of the time.  When it does work, though, I feel like it's all worth it.  Those times when everything comes together in a flash and you see true beauty on the field: those are the times that I feel like a touchdown is maybe sometimes worth more than seven points.'
Q.
'They say,"A touchdown is always worth seven points."'

B.I. #420.  07-2010
Gainesville, FL

'I would say that my favorite play is the dive."
Q.
'Oh yeah, definitely.  First play is always the dive, really.  If it's not you're getting away from your gameplan.
Q.
'Second down?  That's pretty good dive territory too, depending on what happens on first down.  It's good if it worked on second, because if it worked once it'll work again?  You should also run it if it doesn't work, because you need to get to 3rd and manageable.  Otherwise, do something else.
Q.
'Third down is the money down and you got to go with your best play, which in our case is the dive.  The whole point of first and second down is to get to a third down where the dive is going to work.  Of course, they never see it coming on third and long, either, so that works too.
Q.
'On 4th down we usually punt.  Unless we're really close, and then..."

B.I. #7777 06-2010
Auburn AL

Q.
"Two hundred thousand? Let me see...yeah, I think we can do that."


B.I. 4 03 2011
Happy Valley, PA

'Yeah, I told him just the other day that I still love it as much as I ever did.  I may never retire.  I could work for the rest of my life.  Just me and the game and my kids and my grandkids.  Just the other day, I was at Wal Mart with my grandson, and he wanted one of these gizmos they sell there, and I told him,"Son - I said son, even though he's my grandson - one day you'll be older like me and you'll realize there's more to life than gizmos.  Why when your father was younger I remember telling him,'Son, when I was your age - ' " '

Q.

What do you mean you don't have time to hear about my grandkids?  Who the hell is this?
Q.
"Bryan?  Bryan who?
Q.
'Who are you?'
Q.
'I called you? Why?
Q.
'I did no such thing.  I don't even know what Cialis is.'
Q.
'Oh...Let me see if I can find my wallet.'

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