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COACH'S COOKING CABINET: WITH SPECIAL GUEST HOUSTON NUTT

/theme music plays

This special edition of COACH'S COOKING CABINET brought to you by the state of INDIANA

SPECIAL PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION CARE OF PAULA DEEN’S NEW RANCH INFUSED BUTTER: TASTE THE MIDWEST

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Jim Nantz: Hello friends, and WELCOME to this week’s installment of COACH'S COOKING CABINET.  Today our special guest chef is none other than the Right Reverend Botarkus himself…Houston NUTT!

Houston Nutt rumbles in from stage left to polite applause

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Nutt: GIGGITAY, Y’ALL

Studio Audience: GIGGITAY

Nantz: So, Houston, what do you have for us today?

Nutt: Well, Jimmay (I’m just gonna call you Jimmay, son.  Got a better ring to it) I’ve got a SOUFFLAY for y’all that’s simply DIVINE.  CAN I GET AN AMEN?

Audience: AMEN

Nantz: And they’re rounding Amen Cor….Sorry friends, I thought I was back at that most auspicious of American traditions, that pinnacle of class, tha—

Nutt: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, JIMMAY.

Nantz: Apologies.  On to the Soufflé

Nutt: You’re saying it wrong.  It’s SOUFFLAY

Nantz: …That’s what I said

Nutt: I HEARD THE FUNNY E THINGY AT THE END, JIMMAY. Now, back to this SOUFFLAY. We’re going to need 37 eggs to start off.

Nantz: That’s quite the SOUFFLAY--           

Nutt: Attaboy.

Nantz: ...You’ve got there.  But the dish we have can’t possibly hold that many eggs

Nutt: Don’t you worry about a thing.  We’ll be down to twenty-five eggs by the time we put this bad boy in the oven.  CAN I GET A GIGGITAY?

Audience: GIGGITAY!

Nutt looks at Nantz

Nantz: -sigh- Giggitay.

Nutt: WITH MORE FEELIN, SON

Nantz: GIGGITAY

Nutt: THERE YA GO.  Now, we just need to toss in some flour, sugar, vanilla extract, and milk.

Nantz: I saw you pull that jug of milk out of Emeril’s trash

Nutt: HUSH UP. This milk is PERFECTLY FINE.  My SOUFFLAY is willing to give every ingredient a SECOND CHANCE.  Now, put the ingredients together in a bowl and TOSS THAT BABY IN THE OVEN. GIGGITAY BOTARKUS!

Audience: GIGGITAY BOTARKUS

Nantz: Wait, don’t you actually need to like, I dunno, mix the ingredients and not just toss them in a bowl and stick it in the oven.

Nutt: WHO’S THE COOK HERE, JIMMAY?

Nantz: Well, I mean, you’re not ACTUA—

Nutt: I ASKED YOU, WHO’S THE COOK HERE, JIMMAY?

Nutt stares at Nantz, eyes filled with rage, flecks of spittle flying from his lips

Nantz: ….You are.

Nutt: DAMN STRAIGHT I AM. Now, I must see a man about a recreational management degree. You just pull that SOUFLAY out when you see the smoke turn black.

Nantz: But, I…

Nutt: GIGGITAY AND GOODDAY, SIR

Audience: GIGGITAY

Nutt attempts to throw himself off stage, but only manages to make it three yards before being surrounded by security staff

Nutt: GIGGITAY BOTARKUS, I REGRET NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Fifteen minutes later, smoke pours out of the oven. Nantz pulls out a bowl filled with an unrecognizable carbonized mass. He sticks a fork in it and extracts a chunk coated in what appears to have been sugar, and takes a bite.

Nantz: -CRUNCH-Well, -CRUNCH-, thanks for –CRUNCH- tuning into –CRUNCH- this –CRUNCH- week’s episode of –CRUNCH-

Audience with Nantz, all together: COACH’S COOKING CABINET

Nantz: -CRUNCH- Join us –CRUNCH- next week –CRUNCH- when Coach LANE KIFFIN –CRUNCH- shows us how –CRUNCH- to make his famous –CRUNCH- FIVE STAR FRITTATA! –CRUNCH- Goodnight, Friends!

 

FIN

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