THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/16/2011

DID YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WERE A CHAMPION IN THEIR EYES? Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; Dan like it's DANPOCALYPSE on earth:

The Dan don't lie, but perhaps one other prominent Dan does deal in promises of the hyperbolic variety from time to time to cadres of his closest allies and well wishers:

We owe you a championship," Mullen said in front of about 150 at the Columbus County Club. "The people of Mississippi deserve that."

"Just remember, please hold off on cashing this check for one million dollars until it's appreciated to full value in 2085."

Unfortunately Cthulhu deals not in the scales of karmic justice but rather in but the absolute value of OWNAGE and OWNAGE alone. College football's a cruel mistress like that.

SUBTERTROLLING IS WINNING At the same Georgia Bulldogs alumni function in Greenville, South Carolina that saw UGA basketball coach Mark Fox brag he'd "yet to visit a tattoo parlor in Athens, and don't plan to", the stalwart of dependency that is Mark Richt found himself bated into some next level, pocket-veto style pacifist trollgaze action:

Dowdle didn't make Richt answer the question. But when it came his turn to take questions, a fan jumped in with an even more pointed question, closer to home:

What would Georgia do about the practice of over-signing - as in bringing in more recruits than they have room for, and then eventually running them off. 

Richt and the Georgia administration have said before they dislike the practice and won't do it. A few other coaches in the league have defended it, and the issue will certainly be on the front-burner this summer.

But Richt, in his customary polite way, began by bringing any crowd members unaware of the issue up to speed.

"Some coaches ..." he began, before a voice from the crowd interrupted.

"Nick Saban!" a fan yelled out.

"Well I won't say," Richt said.

TODD GRANTHAM'S NEVER KISSED A LIVING LEGENDNOW DID HE PAWWWWWWL?!?!?! THAT'S ALL I HAD TO SAY. I'LL HANG UP AND LISTEN.

Speaking of the intricacies of trolling, nothing like strolling into a troll gunfight with a trolltank. Game, set, match WaPo.

THE RIVALRY NOT EXISTING IS FINE, THANK YOU. New Pitt head coach Todd Graham is all about re-launching Pitt's long dormant rivalry with in-state foe Penn State. Despite waxing nostalgic on everything that made the rivalry great during his childhood, Graham admitted when asked if he spoke to Paterno about renewing the rivalry, Graham replied, "No, no, I did not. No, I did not. But I gotta get rolling, guys." He then put on his leather jacket and slid in through the window into a 1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z as is customary as the University of Pittsburgh's highest grossing employee.

I THINK THAT BEARS LOOKING AT YOU FUNNY, MAAAAN. On a cold January morning, Buffalo's heir apparent to Drew Willy and a spiritual leader on the team that saw Turner Gill's Bulls complete one of the most improbable program turn arounds in modern times sat thinking about what his life really meant. Zach Maynard openly wondered if there was a purpose to it all, or if it wasn't just a long, extended series of random chemical synapse firings that resulted in his finding himself in the Hoth like confines of Buffalo, New York that very night. He then quickly realized Berkeley, California had multiple organic pizza places including one that delivered until 4 am on week nights thus sealing his decision to transfer cross country and enroll at Cal. That decision culminated in Maynard being named Cal's starting quarterback over the weekend. No word on whether the chillest of chill brah coronation celebrations that ensued had a gluten free option or not. 

HE MAY NOT TRUST ATM'S, BUT HE WAS AS TRUSTED OF AN ASSET ON A SIDELINE AS YOU'LL FIND Sure his final decade as head coach in Michigan failed to match the luster of his first, but Lloyd Carr ranks up there amongst the class acts to ever roam a sideline. After an emotional weekend that included his finding that he'd been named to college football's hall of fame as well as having a wing in a hospital named after him, Coach Carr is now free to return to being retired which likely mostly consists of fly fishing, wearing fresh swag like this and celebrating Monday's the only way one should.

RESURRECTING THE U BEGINS BY BRINGING BACK THE CANES OF YESTERYEAR* (* = MAY OR MAY NOT BE BEING BROUGHT BACK TO START A CROSSFIT CHAPTER AND/OR FIGHT CLUB)  Miami Coach Al Golden is out of Jack3d but he knows precisely how to score more: invite former Hurricanes players back to the program under the guise of unifying the past and the present. Really, they're bound to need to work out eventually, and surely they're likely to bring the Tropical Fruit Punch flavored mixture of focus, intensity, and raw fuel necessary to maximize returns on chest/tricep day. Step 1) Score Jack3d Step 2) ??? Step 3) Profit.

JUST WAIT UNTIL HE SEES THAT VAPID PIECE OF CRAP BIG LOVE FINALE Despite going into the season as one of the Ducks' biggest question marks, the departure of Jordan Holmes may prove to be less of a blow to Oregon with former no. 2 center recruit in the nation Hamani Stevens set to return from a two-year mission trip. Here's hoping he's never seduced by the dark side of cigarettes and Bud Diesel.

BUTCH JONES1N1 =/ BRIAN KELLY Bearcats blog Down the Drive continues their series on the schematic and philosophical differences between Butch Jones and Brian Kelly. It may yet not be too late for UC under Jones' guise much like it's never too late to get in at the ground floor and invest in Britney Spears' bold new perfume.

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