IN THIS HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, YOU WILL PLAY THE COACH WHO WHISTLES PAST THE GRAVEYARD.
Should you want to follow the excitement of King's Quest, NCAA Edition, the live simulation of an NCAA investigation is unrolling here on their liveblog. ("Carl" seems to be a fun commenter! #truth) ESPN's Pat Forde (for some reason Pat's name more than others lends itself to "ESPN's [name]" use) is live-tweeting from his seat inside the Mystery Mansion itself, where he has confusingly been given the rule of a woman who is also a stud. In other news, this investigation evidently involves Serena Williams, and that is a sign this whole thing is on the right track.
Other signs the internet has shown up to this thing: "knob gobbler" is in the house!
Should be fun! What could go wrong! (Carl's totally a plant. Like, generic ten dollar ficus tree plant quality plant.)
HE'S A-GONNA TRANSFER. Washaun Ealey is finally gone from Georgia after a very long decline in his standing with coaches, a festive hit-and-run incident when he pulled out of a parking lot and played an unplanned game of bumper cars, and diminished on-field production. Injury may be to blame: the key stuck in the cognition, the perpetually unhealed brain contusion, the dreaded sprained cerebrum, or just a simple case of a duohemispheric high-function neural paralysis.
At any rate, you have to be at least two clarified varieties of dumb to waste Washaun Ealey's talent, but here we are. Count 'em however you like, because there's at least a pair present, and that is enough for this doctor to diagnose the case. (Mark Richt hated Ealey. He'll never admit it, and Ealey earned it, but there's something fantastic about watching a coach like Richt attempting to deal with someone he clearly hated, and we'll miss that element of Ealey's game most.)
FIVE THINGS THE GATORS NEED TO DO BEFORE FALL: This list, or in simpler terms: 1. Put John Brantley on a few cycles of powerful steroids, 2. Put John Brantley on a few cycles of powerful steroids, 3. Put John Brantley on a few cycles of powerful steroids, 4. Put John Brantley on a few cycles of powerful steroids, 5. Put John Brantley on a few cycles of powerful steroids.
PAT FITZGERALD WILL BE AT NORTHWESTERN UNTIL THE MER-MEN OF NEW ATLANTIS COME TO PULL HIM FROM HIS INFERIOR NON-WEBBED FOOTED THRONE. He deserves it, but as with any contract signed for ten years, it should come with the promise of a bonus payment of a pair of perfect breasts, a salve made from powdered unicorn horn and pure truth, and a diaper wipe dispenser that works well and doesn't result in you throwing the goddamn thing across the room when you pull half the goddamn pack out trying to get one. #dadlife
UNC WILL LOSE THEIR ENTIRE TEAM TO TRANSFERS AND STILL WIN EIGHT GAMES. Go ahead and transfer or get yourself kicked off the team: you can't kill Butch Davis, because it is simply not possible to do so. Actually, the most Butch Davis thing ever would be to survive the 2010 season, and then win 10 games, go to a bowl, and then take a job coaching with the UFL.
Miami is undergoing the expected roster turnover following Al Golden's first spring, as well. While they left the locker room, Al Golden, wearing a headband and cutoff sweatshorts, flexed at them as a display of strength and confidence, and encouraged the rest of the team to join him.
CONSPIRA-SAAAY. They're in your midst, Rutgers, and they are eating your chicken in your designated chicken-eating rooms. The only way this happens in the SEC is if one school invites another into their conference rooms, and then unleashes gas in a Goldfinger-style plot to take over the conference.
TEDDY FORCE IS ON THE CASE. Duke's left tackle is named this very real name, though why he would ever not insist on being called "Theodore Force" is beyond our understanding. Learn this and more amazing things in Bill Connelly's amazingly thorough preview of Duke, where he also focuses on something called "The Jackee Formation."