THE NCAA WOULD LIKE TO TURN OFF THE INTERNET PLEASE

"I'm sorry, I am going to need to know the username and password of your Burning Angel, Suicide Girls, and BangBus logins, just in case they have any...um...pertinent recruiting footage on their sites." (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty Images)

The NCAA, having solved all other issues in collegiate athletics, has now decided that in its quest to figure out recruiting services and their degree of acceptability they will ban teams from using Rivals, Scout, 247Sports, and any other pay site with any kind of recruiting information whatsoever. The thinking behind this is pretty clear, as released in this statement by the NCAA today.* 

WRGOABABD
MLIAOI
WTBIMPANETP
MLIABOAIAQC
ITTMTSAMSTGAB

That is not the statement released by the NCAA, but is instead the still-untranslated code found scrawled in the back of the copy of The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayaam on the mysterious dead man in the Taman Shud case. It is also their rulebook right now, or at least makes as much sense as anything they've done in the past year or so.

BTW, Auburn Rivals is reporting that the man in the Taman Shud case has been identified, and is in fact the body of Auburn coach Gene Chizik sent back in time to fight over recruiting the great-grandparents of prize JUCO tackle Jesse Williams. The suspected method of poisoning? Spike80DF. TimeCop will apprehend ze perpetrators as zoon as he getz heez head out of zis pile of fine Colom-bee-aannn and unsticks ze buttocks from ze locked posishun ze have been een since nineteen-ninety-cinq.

(The off switch for the internet is pretty easy to find anyway, NCAA types Just hit that and no one will ever be able to use it again.)

*Yes, there's a kind of logic to this, but it's a lawyerly, unenforceable logic at best, or in other words what the NCAA specializes in when it comes to rulemaking.

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