THE CURIOUS INDEX, 4/5/2011

ENJOY COLLEGE FOOTBALL, AN AMERICAN TRADITION. AMERICA AMERICA AMERICA TELEPROMPTER AMERICA---

Look at that majestic hair, and note that if you trace its whorls and curves it spells out "I BEAT THE SOVIET UNION WITH HALF MY BRAIN ALZHEIMER'D OUT MY EAR.". We hope you all feel a bit more American now than you did two minutes ago.  We kind of want that College Football Association ad campaign to come back with the same announcer and no modifications to the jazzy graphics whatsoever. COLLEGE FOOTBALL: WHOLESOME ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

THE WORST WHISTLEBLOWERS EVER. Auburn has like, the most inept whistleblowers ever, and that ineptitude will for the eleventeenth year in a row keep Auburn from getting into any trouble whatsoever for allegedly paying players. The only damage done to the Tigersplainsmen will be to their reputation. In related news, a large branch fell from a tree in our yard and landed on our invisible Bugatti Veyron, and we are filing insurance claims to recoup the damage. Wish us luck!

In the meantime, just pay players in cash using dead drops. This memo goes to everyone. It is good to see the Opelika business community taking advantage of the scandal to drum up some business in lean times, however, so don't say it didn't benefit someone in the end.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE CIVIL COURT SYSTEM IS FOR? The answer in the South is "everything." I done broke my leg and it's bleeding omg think i'll wrap a civil suit around it. It's like Tussin and whiskey, and cures everything. We think that admitting to getting your ass kicked with a cowbell in public does bear some cash value, a number we'd put at somewhere around $14.82 and not a dime more.

ERIC LEGRAND HAS THE TWITTERS. Say hello and other kind things to him in his recovery.

THE SEC IS NEARING A CHARISMATIC QUARTERBACK RAPSCALLION GOLDEN AGE. Tyler Bray is throwing crackback blocks, or "just standing there" and destroying people, but either enters him into the Garcia/Murray sweepstakes for the Golden Taneyhill Award given to the SEC's most Stabler-esque quarterback. Bray did this in the course of a scrimmage where the Tennessee offense looked by all reports horrible, including by Derek Dooley's account. Have we mentioned how much we like having coaches who provide good quote again in the SEC East?

"SO WE MIGHT BE ALLOWING MORE POINTS..." Jeff Casteel is already preparing himself for the inevitable at West Virginia:

"Our challenge will be to play a good, solid defense around that," Casteel said, "and if you go and look at the numbers on the other side of the ball with some of the high-tempo offenses, usually ..."

He trailed off, but the point was clear. Elite offenses are oftentimes exclusive.

YAY MORE CRAZY IRRESPONSIBLE BLITZING. You might as well, since you're going to be upping the number of possessions you have a game, in turn upping the number of possessions the other offense has, and in turn yielding a greater probability for offensive scores from your opponent. It's not like WVU hasn't been in this situation before under Rich Rodriguez, but one of the factors in WVU's stinginess on defense last year was the shoe-peeing pace that Jeff Mullen's offense used to dribble down the field. Such will not be the case under Holgo the Barbarian, the Skullet King of Morgantown.

MEANWHILE IN HOLGO'S FORMER FIEFDOM: Oklahoma State is tweaking, but not overhauling, its offense. Unchanged: routes, route numbers, and basic setups. New: a lopsided I-formation out of the shotgun and--gasp!--no "Mesh" to be seen. (Impossible: had to just be the day they showed up to watch.)

SAY HELLO TO THE 5-0, BIG TEN.  Pelini is using more and more of a five lineman package in practice at Nebraska. He also used this at LSU with Glenn Dorsey, who technically counted as two linemen all by himself.

IS THE NCAA AN [INSERT BAD THING HERE?] This is a perfectly legitimate question, but the better one is explaining what the hell they do in the first place, a question no one has bothered to answer (including the late Myles brand, who couldn't properly explain what the organization did in congressional testimony.)

SOLID VERBAL INTERVIEWS JEFF TEDFORD. The best part is how lifelike Tedford sounds, but Berkeley has always been a hotbed of AI development.

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