You know the drill, where you puke up forty names, games, teams and minutiae all built around your name (offer only valid if your name happens to rhyme with a number (1); offer not valid in Alabama (2)):
Speaking of Alabama (3), I could really go for some ribs right now. Anybody want to stop by Dreamland (4) in Tuscaloosa (5) and FedEx me a slab? I had to make deadline on Tuesday (6), so I sure hope this statement is not rendered awkward or irrelevant by subsequent events before this goes to print. But those ribs (7), get them while they’re hot!
Speaking of hot, that gives me (8) a flimsy excuse to post this photo of Dashette Elizabeth Swanson (9). She’s welcome to lick my extra Dreamland sauce off the bone, though in real life she’d never even talk to me, even if I mentioned that I’m a famous columnist for ESPN (10).
Dashette Elizabeth Swanson waiting for the bus.
10 guys that do stuff in football
Chris Petersen (11), Boise State coach. I’m going to float a rumor that he’s likely to make a move to a top program after next season, and then float another rumor later that he’s a Bronco through and through and would never leave, partly because his daughter is really involved in her after-school pottery class in North Boise. And do not underestimate the kiln at the Potters Center (12) on Ellen Street ; during my last visit to the The City of Trees to see BSU crush a Louisiana Tech team your high school could beat, I made this.
All aboard, short but comfortable.
Brian Kelly (13), Notre Dame coach. I floated pretty much the same two rumors about him when he was at Cincinnati (14). So I’m batting .500 on Kelly rumors, which is pretty good if this were baseball (15).
John Junker (16), former Fiesta Bowl President. From the glorious highs of the 2007 Great American Fiesta (17) to the brink of BCS ejection. Junker lives up to his name like a 1986 Yugo (original sticker price: $3990, or just a bit more than two tax-deductible VIP lap dances at HiLiter Gentlemen's Club (18) in Phoenix). Speaking of the impending BCS shakeup,
Jerry Jones (19), Cotton Bowl Svengali. I have nothing bad to say about this man because, honestly, he scares me. Seriously, let’s move on.
Urban Meyer (20), future Ohio State coach. He likes spending time with his family like Charlie Weis (21) likes salad (22). Speaking of which
Charlie Weis (23), fat fatty.
. . .
This is the part where I try to convince you The Dash reads books. I can’t say enough good things about "The Blind Side," by Michael Lewis (37). What made it good for me was how smoking Sandra Bullock (38) looked in those heals. She’s welcome to clean the grill at the Dash tailgate any day.
Putting out an APB for …
This is the part where I ask readers to get me information that’s readily available on Google. Whatever happened to Former USC linebacker and 1989 unanimous All-American Tiaina Baul Seau Jr. (39)? The Dash has not heard Tiaina’s name mentioned in forever. But his 19 sacks his senior year set a standard at USC that overcomes any disappointment that may have come from a less-stellar pro career.
I eat in a lot of places you’ll never visit and get the same crappy junk you can find in any small town, except the places I go to are famous for it because they used to be good at it in 1978. When you get hungry passing through West Lafayette, Ind., The Dash urges you to pull over at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (40). Skip the salad, because their beefspecial is tasty, filling and courteous. Hits the spot every time.