THE AMUKAMARA FAMILY REPPED NIGERIA SO HARD LAST NIGHT.
We're all but certain there was a ceremonial shield of some sort backstage, as well. The NCAA produces a shit-ton of student-athletes, and all of them will go pro in something, but the most interesting ones to us of course are the ones who make millions of dollars in the NFL and who wear suits on television. Graduation Day Notes! Yay!
Christian Ponder, you are the luckiest sonofabitch in the universe, and you can thank Brett Favre's retirement for that massive signing bonus. Viking fans, he'll be fine unless he's not!
- Christian Ponder, you are the unluckiest sonofabitch in the universe because you will play twice a year against a defensive line with Ndamukong Suh, the best defensive tackle we've ever seen, and Nick Fairley, the meanest goddamn tackle we've ever seen. Buy spare teeth, stash in locker room for future use.
- Fairley looked like the most terrifying hipster tackle ever, but we like him better when he was underground in junior college.
- Mark Ingram's setup with Suzy Kolber was the most contrived, theatrical, and personally intrusive piece of bullshit concocted strictly for television purposes we can remember. It also worked, because we cried like a bearded baby watching it, and for that we kind of hate everyone involved in it for making us be all sincere.
Ryan Mallett did not take any calls from Matt Jones last night, but oh, there were a few moments where he wanted to SERIOUSLY CHRISTIAN PONDER OVER THE SUMMER OF MALLETT COME ON IS SMOKING WEED REALLY WORSE THAN, I DUNNO, JUST BEING PHILLIP RIVERS' DUMB ASS EVERY DAY IS?
- Cam's fucked, and that ain't even his fault. Well, as fucked as a guy with a gigantic signing bonus and enough money to last him the rest of his life can be.
- It is delightful that Tennessee drafted someone who will put up Vince Young's passing numbers, but who will not be all sulkypants crazy like Vince, and that everyone in Nashville will be totally cool with this.
- From the college fan's perspective, watching Julio Jones and Ingram taken at the cost of multiple draft picks is like watching people go crazy over Pinkberry. It's not even ice cream. It's frozen yogurt, yeah, but we're not paying that much for it, and there's doubly no way we're paying money to jump you in line for it. (Julio may have an excuse, though.)
- Mike Pouncey hugged Steve Addazio last night in the green room, and now Miami will never score a touchdown again. You can call the CDC if you like, but we have your patient zero already.
- Ryan Mallett's with us and is like, "Yeah, fuck that Pinkberry shit." [/hits bong] [slaps agent]
Ryan Kerrigan really did well for someone with no college experience.
Von Miller was wearing Marcus Dupree glasses and being his awesome self, and he will continue to be that because he's nasty as hell and built of rubber bands, malice, and fast-twitch voltage capacitors.
- WHY YOU HATE AJ GREEN, GOD? Cincinnati is no place to send a good man or a bad woman.
The mothership has more analysis than one human can really handle, while The Solid Verbal counted Jon Gruden's "THIS GUY"s and had him at 56 as of 10:52 EST last night.
WE WERE THINKING MORE LIKE CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES, BUT GO RIGHT AHEAD. Jim Delany gets Dickensian in his summary of college football's current situation:
"College football -- it's a tale of two cities. It's the best of times, it's the worst of times," said Dickens ... er, Delany.
You are all weirdos.
The Mandel article goes on to quote Dan Beebe, which is funny because it would have been easier to just go get a quote from Deloss Dodds and eliminate the middle man completely. The gist of the article is that college football is making more money than ever before, that the BCS still stays in posh hotels, and that nothing's changing. Please pass the Marcona Almonds and our Bellini, please.
We have to finish them before our golf junket at 11:00 a.m., which really doesn't effect how we feel about any of this at all. (Now, the massive tv money that comes with it? We'll be frank. That's affecting our judgment to an unhealthy and extreme degree, but OMG is that Perrier-Jouet in this? We knew we tasted toast points.)
EFFICIENCY IS A HALLMARK OF DAN MULLEN'S LIFE, AND THAT IS WHY HE DOES NOT ANSWER TO DANIEL BECAUSE SYLLABLES WASTE VALUABLE TIME. The Florida offense collapsed after he left especially in terms of scoring efficiency, and this is why. Mullen don't waste time, yardage, or points, son. He also won't stop calling the same play if it works, and that is why Miss State ran the counter like seven hundred times against Florida in the 10-7 debacle last year at the Swamp. And now we want to shoot Steve Addazio into space all over again.
MCNAIR APPEAL, DENIED BY NCAA. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
MORE INDIANA NEWS THAN YOU WILL EVER SEE IN ONE PLACE AT ONE TIME. Crimson Quarry really likes the uni changes Indiana is working in, while Off-Tackle Empire sums up the Indiana/Purdue rivalry in one compact and slightly painful sentence:
IU-Purdue is one of the longest-lived rivalries in college football, and unfortunately, one of the least consequential on the conference and national stage.
Self-laceration can truly be a form of entertainment, and if you don't believe that statement you should watch Indiana football sometime HEYO--
IOWA'S WRESTLING COACHES CANNOT BE CONTAINED BY YOUR SHIRTS. Iowans are unusual people, and for this we love them.
THE GREATEST FUCKIN' SPEECH EVER. Texas baseball is never going to be mentioned on this blog ever again, but after this no other mention will be necessary.