AN EDSBS REPORT: THE POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS OF FOOTBALL COACHES

We're not surprised that Tommy Tuberville has strong political opinions. What does surprise us is the growth of his forehead and skull upwards. We never noted his achievement of becoming the first Talosian head coach while he was in the SEC, and that is a shame because it really is quite an accomplishment. Belated congratulations on this accomplishment, and now we now how you managed to give us all the illusion of having an offense for so many years.

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If there are any other aliens coaching in the Big 12 currently, please reveal yourselves for federal identification and processing. (Get that hand up, Mike Gundy.) For the rest of you, no need to declare your loyalties. We already have your political loyalties as a matter of public record in a convenient list for your perusal.

Bo Pelini: Normal Ol' Boring-Type Average Fascist.

Nick Saban: Erotic Fascist. Don't ask, or you'll find out what process really means.

Kirk Ferentz: Tyler Sash-ist.

Any Big Ten Coach Whose Team Plays At Noon On ESPN2: Dave Pasch-ist.

Jeff Tedford: Skynet Party. "The Skynet Party: WHATEVER THE ROBOTS SAY ON ELECTION DAY."

Steve Spurrier: THE Party, Man. "Our party platform is in the infield. Come on down if you're around."

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Jim Tressel: Know-Nothing Party. Just don't check the emails OH DAMMIT--

Dabo Swinney: American Party Of Satan. It's the only possible explanation for his recruiting classes.

Gene Chizik: Ron Paulista. Particularly the part about free markets and the gold standard NOT EVEN BEING SUBTLE NOPE.

Lane Kiffin: The Popular Party. A clarification: only showed up because of semantic confusion on the name, and now will not leave despite not even bringing a six pack with him to get in the door. 

Joe Paterno: Whig. JoePa isn't one to let a few fads like this "two-party system" change what he believes.

Mike Leach: DUH.

Bret Bielema: Union Party. [Looks at female.] [Repeats "Union Party.] [raises eyebrows.]

Jimbo Fisher: Roundhead. Not real fond of waiting on kings to share power.

Les Miles: Free Soil Party. "All the better to grow the nourishing grass of freedom in, my fellow citizens."

Bill Stewart: Tory. "The King been good to us, and ain't no reason for us to quarrel with him."

Houston Nutt: PRI. "As a proud Mexican citizen, they've been my party and will remain my party. GIGGITY!"

Lou Holtz: National Socialist. "You know, before it all went wrong."

Will Muschamp: "None Of The Above Party." Just made it up when he needed an answer, but really he would elect the movie Brewster's Millions President if he could.

Hugh Freeze: HUGH FREEZE FOR EMPEROR OF ARKANSAS POLAR PEOPLE'S PARTY.

"CItizens of Arkansas State, shiver in fear at the power of...FREEZE! My opponents will have to CHILL while Freeze keeps it COOL!" [Note: this makes Freeze a kind of authoritarian, but really he only has a bullhorn, blue facepaint, a hat with one of those fans in the bill, and a fire extinguisher.]

Tom O'Brien: Non-Partisan Party. Well, of course.

Gary Pinkel: Natural Law Party.  Emphasis on the "walking around naked all the time" natural part, if you know what Gary means. 

Turner Gill: Anarchist. Well, he hasn't said that, but just an assumption based on how Kansas looked last year.

Paul Johnson: Get Out Of My Face Before I Bust Your Goddamn Lip, Hippie Party. 

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