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Official Transcript of Coach Tressel's Conference, as reported to me



Sorry, I know we've had Tressel overload these past few days, but I thought I'd throw one more thing up before I stepped away from the computer and had a nice bleach cocktail....

COLUMBUS

 

Members of the Columbus Press fill the conference room at Ohio State. Ohio State University President Gordon Gee and Athletic Director Gene Smith stand somberly in the front. Embattled coach Jim Tressel is at the podium, about to address the Yahoo! Sports accusation that he knew about the Tattoo-Five before the season started, and failed to tell the NCAA.

 

Tressel: Ladies and Gentlemen, and fellow members of the great Buckeye Nation, I have some things I need to get off my chest. I trust that most of you have read heard the news that I have been accused of significant NCAA violations, with my failure to report that several of our star players were getting free tattoos in exchange for autographs. In fact, I know that you heard about it...nobody did any work in the entire 614 area code after about 2:00 PM today.

 

It's true, I did get emails detailing some of our player's involvement in the scandal back in April, and it's true, I didn't do diddly squat about it. You know why? Cause there was a FEDERAL DRUG INVESTIGATION going on! You know what happens to guys who snitch during federal drug investigations? Haven't you guys seen Goodfellas? Have you ever read a Grisham book? I don't want any of my players whacked, especially ones that run for 1,000 yards a season or compete for the Heisman trophy.

 

So sorry for keeping everybody alive and being so freakin' excellent all the time. I understand that many of you in Columbus expected me to personally go down and fight the mob myself, which is what I should have done. For that, I truly am sorry.

 

But this conversation got me thinking. Buckeye Nation, I must be honest with you...there have been some other things I've been holding back from you for too long, and I want to apologize for them too.

 

For starters, Buckeye Nation...it wasn't Santa that gave you that Sega Genesis in 1994. It was your parents. There is no Santa. I trust that most of you figured that out on your own, but I probably should have told you before some jerk 3rd grader publicly ruined the magic for you.

 

MEDIA MEMBER: Wait...what are you saying?!?

 

Tressel: I'm sorry you had to find out this way Nick.

Nick runs out of conference room, crying

It's okay Chris Bosh. Let it all out. Sometimes it is good to cry.

 

Moving on, many of you have criticized my overly conservative playcalling on the field. While the  buttkissing sportswriter contingent (Tressel winks at Bob Hunter) may applaud my plodding 17-play field goal drives as something of a heartland american value, the rest of you have sent me emails wondering when our offense is going to join the 1970s. 

 

Please, you don't think I'm smart enough to score 50 points a game? I've been point shaving for the past decade. Smith is going to fine me 250,000 for not talking to our lawyers about this tattoo thing...I make that from the bookies off of two MAC games.

 

Furthermore, I figured out who Ted Mosby's wife is back in like, Season 2. The show isn't going to announce it for another season, but keep that in mind, so you don't get suckered into the next guest star bimbo Mosby brings home.

 

An angry Josh Radnor and Neil Patrick Harris stand in the back, while various journalists wonder what the hell they're doing at Tressel's news conference. Neil Patrick Harris is making evil eyes at Tressel while slashing his index finger across this neck

Radnor: you can't spoil the show man! I need people plugged in for the next three seasons! This is my only chance to be relevant!

Tressel: Are two actors from How I Met Your Mother seriously trying to intimidate me? Mosby, you wear a tweed jacket in real life, and Barney...you were on freakin' GLEE a few weeks ago. Get the hell out of here before I go Woody Hayes on your ass.

 

actors leave

 

Also, Buckeye Nation, the walls are kind of thin around here, and I just want to let you know that your girlfriends are totally faking. It's been going on for a few months, and you guys should probably have a talk. (reporters are aghast) Okay, lets open this up for some questions.

 

Media: President Gee! Did you ever think of dismissing Coach Tressel for these violations?

 

Gordon Gee: Blushing oh heavens no! I was only worried that HE might fire ME!

 

Media: uh...you're the President of Ohio State. You're Tressel's Boss.

 

Gee: He's so dreamy...do you you think he likes me? Wait, shut up, he's looking right right at me! Ohmygodohmygod

 

Media: Coach, how do you think the cloud of possible sanctions will impact your team next season?

 

Tressel: Well, that's an interesting question. I think we're going to have to simply our sets and

 

Gene Smith: Sorry to interrupt coach, but President Gee wanted me to give you this (hands over rumpled note)

 

Tressel: Hmm, lets take a look here. It says "Do you like me. Check Yes or No. -Gordon".

 

Gee: DID HE READ IT? OMG he read it. He's looking right here!! Gee grins and waves

 

Tressel sighing, I think we're done here. Buckeyes, I'm sorry that once again, a high profile Ohioan has failed to live up to your expectations. Please refrain from burning sweatervests in the parking lot. I know it stings, but rest assured, we will continue to do everything better than Michigan, and that includes cheat and get in trouble. If Michigan football players engage in drug selling, I want you all to know that I am willing to join Al Qaeda.

 

Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a university to run.

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