OTHER THINGS JIM TRESSEL KNEW ABOUT IN APRIL (AND STILL KNOWS)

Jim Tressel and Ohio State admin will address the allegations facing the OSU football program tonight. In the spirit of full disclosure, here are some of the things Tressel is expected to have known or done based on his knowledge thereof since April 2010. Some assistance provided by @lukezim .

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That you'd get tired of Charlie Sheen in three days because you are the internet.

That the man behind you with a knife who follows you around all the time with the blade raised above your delicate, stabbable neck would not stab you so long as you didn't turn around (AND YOU JUST HAD TO TURN AROUND, didn't you?) Also, that you'd get stabbed.

Maurice Clarett is really just in jail for shoplifting. A lot.

What Bill Murray whispers to Scarlett Johannson at the end of Lost in Translation. (Spoiler: It's this!)

Ryan Mallett gets sort of twitchy, often times without any reason whatsoever.

Sweatervests would be in style. (No credit: always true in Columbus.)

Terrelle Pryor would cut a deal with Twitter to say stupid things he couldn't take back in exchange for nothing.

Stopped being discreet with all those Chilean miners' mistresses for some reason.

That he should sell entire Haitian real estate portfolio quickly.

Collected one-hitter and two grand in debts from Dennis Hopper with some urgency.

That Yeezy was going to reupholster a nation's pussy to restore faith during trying economic times.

That you'd pretend to like King of LImbs

That he should floss extra-hard, but that's really just good everyday hygiene regardless of the circumstances!

Short sold the shit out of Cleveland Cavs ticket futures

Sent Urban Meyer an informative retirement package brochure from TD Ameritrade. Just as a favor.

Canceled Gulf of New Mexico fishing trip permanently, and abandoned lifelong habit of eating nothing but pelican on Thursdays.

Waited on iPad 2, because he knew that a new one would come out and DAMN YOU JOBS YOU DID IT AGAIN

That he should take a little extra time banging it out with Rue McLanahan in his fucksuite in Boca for old times sake. 

That that offer to spend a weekend in a palace full of hash and belly dancers as the guest of Hosni Mubarak needed to be taken before the start of the 2010 season.

That he could skate on the five grand he owed Moamar.

That he shouldn't have gone to see Toy Story 3 with the defensive line before the Wisconsin game.

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