Goddammit. Here we are, conjuring all the reasons you should pull for Florida instead of BYU tonight and trying to do so without resorting to cliched outright mockery of Mormonism. And we were doing so well with our list!
- Point guard capable of both winning and losing the game!
- Guy named "Chandler Parsons" who despite his name is NOT a douchebag!
- Is not the team with a guy named "Jimmer" on it.
- As a community generally celebrates you getting as drunk and enthusiastically promiscuous as you care to be, because the most American thing of all is liberty (and abusing it.)
- We weren't the guys whose buddy shot Bill Henrickson in cold blood, leaving his defenseless, sensual wives unprotected and sexually needy. We await your call for relief assistance. Ask us to do anything. Please. We're here to help.
It was all going so well, and then this happened.
We sort of want a Gator-themed Quidditch cape now, and that is our burden to bear. The rest of you can make your own choices, since we're all about transparency and seriously, a school with an active Quidditch team might be a step too far for even some of your Ultrageek asses. (ND students, don't even start to front, though: you're in on this like an Indiana Excise Cop with a nightstick on a 13 year old with a wine cooler, and denying it only makes you look worse.)
(Via Dan Goddamn Rubenstein YOU HUSH UP YOUR TEAM WEARS REJECT UKRAINIAN FIGURE SKATING UNIFORMS MADE BY TORTURED STARVING INDONESIAN CHILDREN.)