THE FIESTA BOWL SHOULD JUST MOVE OFFSHORE

The Fiesta Bowl should totally move to Mexico. Look at this photo from a rally car race in Mexico! THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE GRAVITY THERE (or pesky corruption laws.) (Photo by Massimo Bettiol/Getty Images)

Quotation marks are the abused children of the great punctuation family, and that's saying something given the extremely abused general status of all punctuation. It is not abuse, however, to slap them around "non-profit organization" when writing about the Fiesta Bowl or any other "non-profit organization" whose sole motive is actually profit, sweet, filthy, delicious profit. 

Enter this week's exhibit in "more reasons our beloved sport survives in a nourishing broth of corruption and enthusiasm," the Fiesta Bowl's wait for an impending internal report that may say some very nasty things about the organization's finances, practices, and about the leadership of President/CEO John Junker. Junker's been on administrative leave for a month, paid administrative leave, of course, since he's working on doing the obvious work of moving the for-profit bowl game across the border where they can work in the peace and quiet of Mexico's unobtrusive laws regarding the fine line between lobbying and bribery. (This has always been the plan, as the bilingual name clearly indicates.)

The greatest part of the Fiesta Bowl's history of potentially illegal campaign contributions comes with their dealings with a local security consultancy, a consultancy paid handsomely by the Fiesta Bowl for...um..."consulting." 

Chief among them were $508,776 in payments to Blue Steel Consulting, a security consulting firm operated as a side job by a Maricopa County sheriff's lieutenant.

GRR BLUE STEEL. You may laugh at the overly macho name or the obvious Zoolander reference, but we will guarantee a few things happened when the Maricopa Sheriff's Department Lieutenant who runs this consultancy made the name.

1. He had no idea it was a Zoolander reference. Look at the website. Now tell us we're wrong.

2. When he said, "How about 'Blue Steel?'", everyone's penis grew, they all got mirrored aviator shades, and their hair all sprang back into perfectly gelled man-helmets, because a name like that just makes everything bigger and douchbaggier.

Keep in mind this is separate from an Arizona state attorney's investigation into the Fiesta Bowl, a "non-profit" organization that certainly doesn't qualify as a taxable corporation.  Nope. Not one bit.*

*This post written by Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes is not a tax attorney, though he did play one in prison.

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