Cowboy Altitude points the way toward Wyoming's finest media production ever: Cowboy Cribs, a survey of the living quarters of Wyoming Cowboy football players. It is as fabulous as you would imagine it to be, beginning with the first installment where in order to visit a den of offensive linemen. To find their door, you must give the same directions one might give to find other bear-sized objects: "Look for the dumpsters and make a left."
We break down the masterwork in amateur athlete home decorating television after the jump.
Strong entranceway here: putting green, couches shoved nonsensically in a way against the wall unseen outside of bachelor apartments and furniture stores, beer banner against the back wall hung with an exactitude an engineer would be proud of, and multiple standing lamps. The Men Shui of this place is already formidable; strangers entering may experience sudden body hair growth, elevated testosterone, and a lack of decent places to sit NOT facing 800 foot wide television.
The pool table cover is either naked women, or the handbanana. Either way we approve.
Normal: breaking a few pool cues from time to time. Bachelor college student: keeping the horrendously sharp broken pool cue around because, duh, AWESOME SHARP THING.
Well, now, the DVDs certainly are a necessary part of the home entertainment arsenal. Let's just zoom in and see what we've got here. ENHANCE
Maid in Manhattan! Fuck and yes!
This is the box from the pizza that one of the linemen ate by himself. Trash, in the college bachelor's decor manual, is an acceptable form of decoration if the trash is significant. Do this in the deep south and you will wake up with a Kafka-sized cockroach looking at pornography on your laptop in the middle of the night. He'll turn and nonchalantly say, "Wassup. Don't worry, I'll clear the history."
This part is unmockable and bulletproof: they open the door to the fridge and all you see is cupcakes and cake. Ridicule the rest if you will, but even in a mock-Cribs setup having nothing but cake and cupcakes up in the fridge is so baller by any and all standards of behavior. Only a reveal of the cupcakes and then a Porsche tearing ass out of the crisper could top this, followed by a huge but delightful pair of women's buttocks popping open the freezer from the inside and shaking the frost off for the delight of the audience.
The other bulletproof item: the first two meats listed by Nick Carlson on their list of refrigerated goods are "elk" and "mule deer."
The dual microwave "system" to make two frozen burritos at once will change modern civilization as we know it. Another acceptable bachelor innovation: calling the ownership of two things in the name of gluttony and sloth a "system."
***WARNING THE NEXT PART CONTAINS EROTIC OVERTONES SO STRONG THEY MAY INCAPACITATE FEMALE READERS DO NOT READ WHILE OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY OR MAKING LOVE TO A MAN WHO CANNOT MEASURE UP TO THIS LEVEL OF SENSUAL POTENTIAL.***
Oh, you best believe you can stay smooth in the shower with speakers in the bathroom. Is John Legend right here in the shower with us, baby? No, because with a lineman and a tiny girl in here, someone would be crushed against the glass for lack of space. But it feels that way, baby. It certainly does.