THE CLEMSON MASCOT IS DOING PRETTY WELL TODAY

HEY GUYS HEY GUYS HEY GUYS---

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HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH ASS WE'RE KICKING TODAY IN RECRUITING IT'S AMAZING BUT NOT IF YOU KNOW HOW WE LIKE TO PARTY YEAAAHHH PARTAAAAYYYY LAST NIGHT I WAS JUST WATCHING TV AND THINKING ABOUT GETTING A DEGREE IN MY PAJAMAS JESUS THAT GIRL IS CUTE I'D LIKE TO HOLD HER TIGER UNLESS THAT MEANS HOLDING HER MAN WHO IS ALSO A TIGER AND THAT'S BECAUSE I'M STRAIGHT AND NOT BECAUSE I'M NARROW RIGHTS FOR ALL PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT IN YOUR BODY BECAUSE IT'S FROM THE EARTH--

[eats entire handful of dirt for no reason]

[talks with mouth full of dirt]

SO ANYWAY I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING A DEGREE IN SOME SHIT I DUNNO MAYBE FORENSIC SCIENCE BECAUSE I CAN LOOK AT JIZZSTAINS UNDER BLACK LIGHT LIKE A PRO AND ANYWAY ANYWAY THE PHONE RINGS NOW I'M NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE SAY I OWE THEM MONEY AND SHIT AND THEY CAN JUST GO CHILL BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOOD AND YOU NEED TO STOP LEAVING ME VOICEMAILS LIKE "I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR KNEES" AND I'M LIKE DUUUHHH <----TIGER HAS FOUR OF THEM THEY'LL HEAL AND I DON'T OWE YOU SHIT

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

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IT'S DABO ON THE PHONE AND HE'S LIKE "HEY MAN IT'S CRAZY THEY'RE TELLING EVERYONE URBAN MEYER IS GONNA COACH HERE NEXT YEAR AND THE RECRUITS ARE BUYING IT DOOOD" AND I'M LIKE LOL LMAO NO RLY COME OVER WE'LL PARTY AND HE'S LIKE "NO CAN DO HAVE TO WORK ON THIS PAPER SON" AND I'M LIKE COOL EVEN THOUGH I THINK HE DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE AND MAYBE NO ONE DOES AND DO YOU LIKE ME TELL ME YOU LIKE ME MAYBE I'M ALL ALONE SHIT MAYBE I AM ALL ALONE FOREVER I JUST WANT TO SIT HERE AND CRY AND CRY IT'S ALL WORTHLESS I'LL JUST GO HIDE IN THE LIBRARY AND STARE AT THE WALL LIKE A DEAD UNREAD BOOK IS SOMEONE LOOKING AT ME SHIT IT'S THE COPS OR MAYBE THAT ASSHOLE TED NO I DON'T HAVE YOUR HUMIDIFIER YOU SHITHEAD WAIT THAT'S JUST A GIRL

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDING---

 

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[CRIES]

[paints library wall with entire bottle of nail polish he stole from a random purse]


WAIT---

[fumbles in pocket]

[noise of sniffing]

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SO LIKE I WAS SAYING WE'RE GONNA KICK SO MUCH ASS GO AHEAD AND GET JADURNVAON CLOWNKNEE SOUTH CAROLINA YOU STILL GONNA HAVE TO KISS THE SWEAT PLEATS IN DABO'S CHINOS GOOOOOOOOOOOO CLEMSON HEY LET'S DRIVE TO MIAMI TO CELEBRATE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A MAN VERSUS SHARK FIGHT THERE THEY ARE AWESOME AND WE SHOULD GO I LOVE YOU YES LET'S GO---

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