THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/18/2011

 

THE WEATHER CAN MAKE YOU SICK WITH NOSTALGIA.  The weather perked up here in Atlanta for a hot flash inevitably culminating in a relapse of winter, but until then it's windows down, shorts on, a 12 pack of some watery horrible summer beer in the fridge, and the Allman Brothers' Live at the Fillmore on way too loud for the comfort of the dog, who is now laying in the backyard in the sun.

Redneck mode: engaged.

BOISE DOES NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOUR WINS, MISTER. WE HAVE A BUDGET. That's what at least two members of the seven member board of education of the state of Idaho said to Chris Petersen's $50,000 bonus and $35,000 raise. Petersen had five members of the board on his side, thankfully, so the Boise State coach got his money, but stop to appreciate the deep crust on those two bastards who said, "No sir, 12 wins IS NOT GONNA CUT IT AROUND HERE SON COME BACK WHEN YOU'VE GOT 13 DAMMIT YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO STANDARDS." (HT: Blutarsky.)

THANKS FOR THE FREE VACATION FROM FOOTBALL, NCAA.  UNC fullback Devon Ramsay has been cleared by the NCAA after being suspended for much of the 2010 football season because, as it turns out, he didn't actually do anything wrong in the UNC agent fracas. Thanks, NCAA! (The NCAA: providing half-assed oversight and randomly scheduled sabbaticals to student-athletes since 19-bullshit-and-eight) 

MARK CUBAN WILL SAVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL BY BRINGING US AS MANY TRUE CHAMPIONSHIPS AS THE DALLAS MAVERICKS HAVE. Mark Cuban is going to give us "Radical Football," or at least is planning to, and judging from the name it will have day-glo neon, wear Vans, and will be TOTALLY RADICAL. Let's all go bladin' in celebration, brah.#ideasfrom1990 #MarkCubanhastoomuchmoney

INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL CONTENT WILL GET YOU INTO WISCONSIN, AT LEAST.  21 year old Evan Emory of Michigan will be charged with manufacturing child sexual abusive material (a possible 20 year sentence) for mixing a tape of him singing a filthy song in a classroom with footage of him actually singing a completely different song ("Lunch Lady Land," for the record.) Lyrics from the song and his reasoning follow:

"I like the way you make your body move. C’mon, girl...See how long it takes to make your panties mine...I’ll add some foreplay in just to make it fun. I want to stick my index finger in your anus."

...

Emory, 5735 E. Summit, had "informed the teacher that he wanted to video himself singing to the class as a portion of his portfolio to help him gain admission to a Big Ten School of Education," VanLoon said in the letter.

Leaders, Legends, and Lechers, y'all.

SURE, HERE'S SOME TREE SHIT. The court-appointed attorney wants off the trial due to conflict of interest (he's an Auburn grad,) Harvey Updyke actually got caught thanks to leaving a voicemail on an Auburn turfgrass professor's account, and Alabama is letting people know in advance not to even fucking think about it

There's a thousand very stupid columns out there today about it and we're not linking any of them, because this has no larger implications for society and especially not for Alabama, the state that wakes up 365 days a year crazier than a feral cat put into a running dryer. Like a syphilitic Lord Byron waking up craving opium and dirty women, they were mad yesterday, are mad today, and will be mad, bad, and dangerous to know tomorrow. If this part of the country weren't full of at least seven states of similar insanity and decrepitude, it'd be a shame, but it's kind of hard to pick the crazy one out of the lineup when they're all pantless and ranting about the secret government wires in their head.

In summary: the rivalry is not out of hand, sports does not occupy too large a role in our lives, and everything remains as ghoulishly fascinating, horrifying, and magical as it was yesterday. Settle the fuck down.

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