HE'S KIDDING (WE THINK.) Either you can hope it's an Anchorman reference, or just assume that Florida wide receiver Stephen Alli's tastes are fine, expensive, and frankly kind of awesome.
If Alli's of legal age the alcohol isn't an issue, meaning this is merely funny and not a point of concern. (If not, um SHOCKED! WE ARE SHOCKED TO FIND GAMBLING IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.) We implore you not to delete this, Stephen, if only to show the world that living properly starts young, and often involves the brilliant move of doubling up on the delicious carbohydrates with your steak. (And if the scotch came off the training table, then Coach William B. Muschamp has this program moving in such the right direction already.)
SPEAKING OF BOTTLING VINTAGES. Muschamp secured the commitment of four-star running back Matt Jones out of Armwood, vintage 2012, thus marking the first early coup of his very short career as a recruiter and head coach. This being recruiting, he will switch teams no fewer than seven times, so take that for what it's worth. We're thrilled to have you provisionally, hypothetically, and theoretically on board for the time being. (<---THIS IS WHY RECRUITNIKS ARE INSANE PEOPLE WHO EAT PAINT OFF THE WALLS OF OLD HOUSES FOR FUN.)
THE FIESTA BOWL DECIDES YOU NEED A VACATION. The head of the dodgiest of all dodgy major bowls has been placed on leave, a move that has absolutely nothing to do with an ongoing IRS investigation of the Fiesta Bowl, its liberal use of "gifts" (you might call them bribes) to maintain its position as a successful non-profit that just happens to make money, and its general sketchiness. Please recall that all bowls are "non-profit organizations," and then found your own bowl game to shelter your gambling losses, poorly considered third world commodity trades, and divorce losses. Seriously, we're not even kidding, do it. At this point you could so get away with it.
JADEVEON CLOWNEY IS FRANK, HONEST, AND ALL THOSE THINGS HE WILL NOT BE ONCE HE FIGURES OUT PEOPLE HATE INTERESTING THINGS. From Clowney's overview of his recruitment published by Thayer Evans:
"It’s wild in college," Clowney said. "Girls be all on you. They love football players up there. I was smiling and laughing about everything..."
"I don’t see no big deal like everybody else," he said later. "They’d say, ‘He’s the king of all of football.’ The guy ain’t nothing but 5-5. He’s a short guy. Everybody’s going crazy on Nick Saban..."
"Nick Saban’s going to take over and talk," Clowney said. "He talked the whole time he was there. I was dozing off. He can talk. A lot. He talked for a whole straight hour."
Of the coeds at Alabama, Clemson and South Carolina, Clowney said he liked the Crimson Tide's the best. "They're just my type," he said.
Those are all good, but two in particular could not be made up, since you would not believe them if we did. Of course Steve Spurrier's pitch comes down to mispronouncing your name...
"Ja-DAVE-ian, come on, man, come to South Carolina," Clowney recalled Spurrier saying. "We need you. We need you bad."
...and of course Dabo said this.
I love you, Clowney.
How you say "love" and "Clowney" in the same sentence with a straight face we'll never know, but we are a step closer to unraveling the mystery of Clemson's magnetic recruiting pull now. Dabo will kiss on the first date, and a lot more if you need him to including a pledge of love. Dabo Swinney will have your baby if necessary, son. Medical science can catch up to what love demands be invented.
ART SCHLICTER IS ALIVE, AND THAT SHOULD BE THE REAL STORY. The most eye-catching part of this long timeline of Art Schlicter's astonishing run of graft, fraud, and insane sports gambling: the bit where he has to go into police protection in 1983 to escape angry bookies bent on revenge. 27 years later and that didn't get the point across, since Schlicter, former Ohio State quarterback and the man indirectly responsible for Woody Hayes' punch-heard-round-the world, will be charged with stealing over a million dollars from investors in his ticket-selling scheme.
KEVIN NEWS, PART ONE: KEVIN WILSON MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS. Kevin Wilson says there's not many Big Ten coaching jobs out there, and he's right, though we're not sure if Indiana really counts as one.
MONTANA TO MONTANA. Proving regression to the mean works even in athletics/genetics.