There is a style of driving where you swerve deliberately, often going twenty miles per hour over the speed limit and usually completely without turn signals. This is "swervin'," and you know you are old when it makes you wish you'd watch two street racers smash expensively into each other. We saw this happen on I-20 once, and it was even more delicious than we could have imagined. (A hubcap flew 40 feet in the air. It was exquisite.)
Then there's basic drunken weaving, an involuntary automotive staggering down the road. That will get you into a different kind of trouble altogether in locales as exotic as Columbia, Missouri and even the bustling metropolis of Ames, Iowa.
SWERVE WATCH ONE: IOWA STATE. LInebacker Matt Tau'fo'ou was pulled over for your basic DUI in Ames on Saturday morning, his second offense at Iowa State since he literally stole wireless (in the form of an adapter) from the campus bookstore. Generic DUI is two points, repeat offender is a bonus point, and we're looking at three points for the Iowa State Cyclones in the early innings of the Fulmer Cup.
SWERVE WATCH TWO: MIZZOU. Meanwhile in Mizzou, Tigers DL Jimmy Burge was pulled over after pursuing a wandering path down the motorway on January 17th. Ahoy, blast pipes!
According to the police report, the deputy smelled marijuana and called in a K-9 unit to search the vehicle. Inside were found blast pipes, rolling papers, a grinder, 3 grams of marijuana and a shotgun, sheriff’s department spokesperson Sharon Ryan said.
Burge was cited for drinking in a vehicle in the last Fulmer Cup run, and thus with the one point possession charge (Class A misdemeanor) a repeat offender bonus point creeps in for a total of two points awarded to Mizzou in the Fulmer Cup. Please note that the shotgun is just window dressing here, and that the police did not seem to buy the "I'm just a gourmand, and like my spices, man," argument re: the grinder.
(Reminder: if someone asks you why you swervin', the answer is always the same: because of them haters. Rinse, wash, repeat.)