As a devoted KU fan, I often waste my time reading articles on KUsports.com. I often waste even more time by reading the comments on them. Internet comment sections can really bring out the stupid in people, and KUSports does not disappoint. There is one poster in particular - Jaybate - who makes me cringe every time I read his posts; I have wanted to share the hilarity of them for some time but could never think of the avenue. I hope you guys appreciate them as much as I do.
(taken from this article)
'What Follows Is a Transcript of jaybate's First Football Confession"
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned and I am soon going to again. I am going to post a transcript of this football confession on KUSports.com under a basketball thread, because the football thread announcing Charlie Weis' hiring is not accepting posts, and I don't know anyone over on the football threads any way.
Please, father, forgive me for I have sinned and I am not Catholic and this is my first confession, but please, Father, tell me they are not hiring Charley Weis!!!!!
Please, father, please tell me god will not permit this.
This is the worst of all possible worlds, father, worse even than Mitt Romney becoming President of anything!
Father, Charlie Weis could not recruit at Notre Dame!!!!!
Father, Mt. Oread is not Golgotha for KU football. KU has done nothing to deserve this hire, father, you've got to believe me.
Yes, yes, yes, I have lusted after women other than my wife, but was too afraid to actually cheat.
Yes, yes, yes, I have gone fly fishing and skiing on business trips, but I never billed for the time on the slopes.
Yes, yes, yes, I have used hateful language about the University of Missouri and I have thought of tying a chain to the axle of my SUV and pulling down one of the columns in Columbia.
Yes, yes, yes, I have annoyed many people with posts vastly too long for mortals to read.
Yes, yes, yes, I regularly check the adult video previews in my hotel room, but am too cheap to go ahead and buy them.
Yes, yes, I once thought about driving to Chapel Hill and sneaking an exploding cigar into Dean's collection of Cuban stogies.
Yes, yes, yes, I have occasionally had lustful thoughts about cheerleaders.
Is that enough, father? Will you and god please not let Zenger hire Charlie Weis now?
The only people that can really cheer this hire, father, are, god forgive me, a few Catholic folks that would like a Bridge partner for a dime a point, right, father? Like Tom and Sheahon? Right?
Charlie Weis is just about the worst hire Zenger could have made and it is now clear that Zenger needs to be fired.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned about saying Zenger should be fired.
Did I, jaybate, the voice of crimson and blue reason,who doesn't care a whit about KU football, just say the AD should be fired?
Did I say an AD ought to be fired for his first fire and first hire?
Yes, father, I did. Please forgive me, but I did.
Someone has to be evacuating their colons on this one, father.
Father, tell me Sheahon is pulling our legs.
Holy mother of all that is great and good in his name, tell us this is one of those jokes that some journalist mistook for the truth.
Not Charlie Weis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd rather have Fizzou's specialty team's coach than Charlie Weis.
Help me, help me, help me, I think I'm going insane, father.
Zenger didn't hire Charlie Weis in the same universe that KU plays football in, did he?
This is a dhs/cia/dia/oni/g2/fbi/nsa/cbs/nbc/abc/cnn/msnbc/Fox mind control experiment that will quickly be retracted, won't it father?
Tell me, tell me, tell me, please, tell me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Father I cannot help recalling the old Star Kist tuna ad.
Sorry Charlie, we don't want failed Notre Dame coaches with good Catholic connections.
We want successful D1 coordinators with good recruiting connections in Texas, or Florida, or Namibia, fergoshsakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ooops, excuse me, father. I really am not myself today.
This is like having a nightmare where Zenger alienates Self, Self leaves for North Carolina, and Zenger hires Ben Howland.
First Zenger fires a guy he shouldn't fire, because Zenger apparently lost his nerve. Surely that was a sin he will have to confess, father.
Next he hires perhaps the worst available candidate for the job.
What can the S-Man do to top this?
Betray Jesus himself?
Announce he is painting the Campanile purple?
Sheahon Zenger is obviously Mossad, or MI-5, or Chinese intelligence, or IRA sent to try to destabilize the heartland.
Zenger has become the Manchurian Athletic Director, father.
Quick, where is Angela Lansbury? Who is Angela Lansbury? Is BGL Sheahon's Angela Lansbury?
Oh, my deity in the Kansas sky!!!!
Just convert Memorial Stadium to offices and rent it out to some oligarch that wants to start yet another money grubbing institute, father, one of those institutes for the tax exempt advancement of an oligarch's own agenda. Let him rename Memorial Stadium anything he wants. Let him cover it with crass commercial murals, if he must, but...
Don't hire Charlie Weis.
Announce that KU is giving up football, because scientific research validates that even minor impacts in football generate accumulating brain trauma that predispose football players to manifest early onset Alhemiers and dementia.
Please wake me up and tell me Sheahon did not really hire Charlie Weis, father.
I will convert to Roman Catholicism if Sheahon Zenger and Tom Keegan coordinates some Talking Points indicating that after some reconsideration, they have decided to go in another direction!!!!
Like they have decided to hire the Lawrence High football coach, or even just the top Mary Kay saleswoman.
I don't care.
Hire Conner Teahan for god's sakes. Forgive me, father. He's Catholic. I'm not against a Catholic coach. I'm not even against a Notre Dame coach. But hire us a good Notre Dame coach would you? Hire us one who has had good success recruiting players to Notre Dame at least. Give us some kind of hope!!!
Father, I will promise Tom and Cheapen I will convert.
Heck, I will convert to Eastern Orthodox Catholicism, if it will help.
I will go to the Hagia Sophia and start Lent right now, if
that's what it takes.
I know I'm not supposed to bargain with god, father, I know I have sinned bargaining with god, but let him take it out on me, not on KU!!!!
Please, please, please, not Charlie Weis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone call Riggo.
Someone call Nolan Cromwell.
Someone call Alf Landon's ghost.
Hire the quarterback off the recent Orange Bowl team.
Hire the Kardashians.
But please tell me hasn't hired Charlie Weis!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Note; All fiction. No malice.)
Yes, in case you were wondering, these were spaced out in three comments.