THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/5/2011

CHIP KELLY WOULD LIKE TO THANK AC/DELCO AUTOPARTS, SUNBEAM, COCA-COLA, TIDE, AND EVERYONE AT ROUSH RACING. Run an offense at NASCAR speed, and spit your endorsements with appropriate alacrity, Chip. You might be tempted to stop watching after you see Kelly drop sponsors right in the middle of the post-Pac-12 Championship game speech, but do not. Oh, you most definitely should continue watching.

2011: the year where we all had a real good time, albeit only in the most ironic of fashions.

YES REMATCH ZZZZZ REMATCH. As everyone knew a good two hours before it was announced, the BCS Title game will be a rematch between LSU and Alabama because the BCS is pretty bad at doing things on purpose, the SEC has won five BCS titles in a row, and because the road to the BCS Title, as always, runs through Ames, Iowa. Paul Rhoads is so proud to be your national well-poisoner, guys. The ACC was rewarded for its electrifying season with not one, but TWO BCS slots as Virginia Tech slides into the Sugar Bowl because [cough burp fart OMG look over there.] The ACC's season was not electrifying, nor Virginia Tech deserving for anything besides their large fanbase and ability to travel, but heyyyyy it's bowl season, guys!

I HAVE THE 2007 HOUSTON TEXANS IN SIXTH WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? The USA Today Coaches' poll has some marvelous politicking and negligence in its voting. Stand in awe of the meta-trolling all around:

  • Nick Saban had OK State fourth, and there is nothing you can do about it.
  • Gary Pinkel made sure the last thing you saw was his ass, Big 12, because he too had the Cowboys in the four spot.
  • Air Force's Troy Calhoun had OK State at fifth, and Michigan at eighth.
  • Pete Lembo of Ball State had Arkansas at 11. Pete Lembo's car will explode tomorrow morning, and someone will openly admit to committing the crime on Hogville.net.
  • Sonny Dykes had Houston ninth, a full eight spots off their cumulative 17th rank.
  • Larry Fedora left Cincinnati off his ballot entirely. Utah State's Gary Andersen left off Nebraska, while James Franklin left off any whiff of the 2006 Orange Bowl by excluding Penn State and Florida State from his submission.
  • Pat Hill was drunk when he filled his out, but he just got fired so lay off him, okay.
  • Bronco Mendenhall left out Georgia entirely.
  • Tom O'Brien, the anti-Mendenhall, has UGA at seven. Send him oatmeal in gratitude.

This is one of the primary inputs in how we decide a national champion. Please remember that when you think any of this makes sense.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE. "We just hired a guy with a math degree."

SADLY THIS WAS JUST AN ERROR. It would have been cool if Alabama fans had hacked into anything, but our sources tell us this was just a serious coding error, and not hijinks of a first-rate matter. We would beware the heights/depths of possible pre-game hostilities, though, as Alabama fans are the Russians of the SEC, are fond of poisoning things, and will likely attempt to weaken LSU's patron saints by putting insecticide in Billy Cannon's next bowl of gumbo.

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