TB: PROTECT YOUR KIDS, PROTECT YOURSELF

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via www.cdc.gov

It's always struck me as premature, maybe even cocky, to declare a disease eradicated. There are just so many places for our microbial enemies to hide - abandoned hospitals, far-flung villages in Namibia, the Florence-Muscle Shoals metropolitan area. As the saying goes, pride comes before a fall, and now it seems that fall has come to THE University of Akron.

Yes, TB (terrybile bowdenus) has returned. It's our duty here at the EDSBS Institute for Epidemiology and Offal-Waffles - the waffles with eyes! - to alert you to the warning signs of other coaching diseases which may also return without proper monitoring.

A REMINDER: A sensible diet and regular exercise cannot protect you from any of these crippling illnesses. Only Dr. Swindle's Patented Rootability Salve is GUARANTEED to keep you from hiring John L. Smith!

CRXXM'S DISEASE

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Symptoms include losses to Tulane, Louisiana Tech, and Maine. Initial warning signs include lowered heart rate and inability to raise the feet above the ground whilst walking. Lethargy will increase in the patient until he begins to think things like "in some ways, a safety is harder to get than a touchdown."

BUNTING'S SYNDROME

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Patient will slowly turn into a slab of delicious country ham. WARNING: Older versions of the Physician's Desk Reference recommend a course of treatment involving direct injections of Butch Davis to the site. Subsequent studies revealed that Butch Davis was nothing more but malt beverage and pool chemicals. Please do not use this treatment, even though Butch Davis is available from many disreputable online pharmacies operating out of Singapore.

HEPPIN'S PALSY

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Patient will display ability to raise his own blood sugar levels simply by threatening to eat someone else's food. Sufferer's of Heppin's Palsy will appear to be cured every three years; this is the disease's dormant period and often coincides with high levels of running backs named McSomething. Heppin's Palsy is transmitted through intimate contact, so remember: the only safe Sexton is no Sexton.

MASONIC HYPERTROPHY

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Acute swelling of the reputation closely followed by irrational delusions of coaching at Ohio State because seven wins a season is not so bad, guys! Patient's pores will eventually begin to leak movie popcorn butter. This disease is fortunately not fatal and would probably finish second in the ACC Coastal Division.

ZOOKWORM

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Contracted by walking around a used boat lot without wearing shoes. Zookworm attacks the central nervous system, causing the patient to order bubble screens on third and one, punt returns, and as a vegetable side item at Cracker Barrel. This is followed by misplaced anger; many of those afflicted with Zookworm are first identified at petting zoos, where they are berating a goat for not hustling.

IRISH ECHOLALIA

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A "coaching disease" of a different sort, Irish Echolalia leaves former Notre Dame football stewards afflicted with a lifetime of blame and credit, depending on which way the wind is blowing and atmospheric pressure. The patient's immune system will be attacked by bitter men who insist that the program never should have switched to that new-fangled Windows 95. Irish Echolalia will be the reason Ty Willingham is praised as the architect of Notre Dame's 2015 Fiesta Bowl team and pilloried as the villain when the team loses 45-10 to Washington State.

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