THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/20/2011

LSU FANS ARE NOW JUST SENDING PARTS OF ANIMALS TO LES MILES. The terrifying love of Louisiana must turn up a jungle slaughterhouse's bounty at the doorstep of the LSU football offices each day, you say? Oh how right you are.

We will say this: the little video snippets posted by Erin Andrews and Chris Fowler are more entertaining than 90% of what Gameday does as actual pieces, and not just because we have serious lifestyle envy of Chris Fowler. ("Here I am sipping some wine at lunch in Paris! And now I'm wearing snowshoes standing alone in a field in Colorado!")

SPEAKING OF MS. ANDREWS. Handsome Rick's mailbag is correct: we'd put her max squat at around 200 pounds with some work, since "She has dance team butt and not soft ball catcher butt." We would like to pretend we don't know what this means, but we do, and salute the soft ball (sic) catcher butts of the world while saying that we think Rick means that in the least sexist sexist way imaginable.

HEY ACTUAL NEWS. Ohio State finds out their NCAA fate this afternoon. Are we at the point in the season where we wait on paperwork and call it news? Yes, yes we are.

MORE PAPERWORK. South Carolina defensive coordinator Ellis Johnson, late of the margin-crushing, valiant-but-doomed defenses of Croom-era Mississippi State, will be the next coach at Southern Miss. Bully and whatnot for that: Johnson has built accomplished, strangulating defenses wherever he's gone, and knows how to recruit well both generally (he brought in Jadeveon Clowney while at Columbia) and in Mississippi specifically from his time in Starkville. Steve Spurrier now has to hire a new defensive coordinator. It's Adventure Time, South Carolina fans! He could hire the next Bob Stoops, or the next Tyrone Nix! You never know!

EMBRACE YOUR TRIBAL GARB, SON. Jeff Driskel understands our ways. Go ahead and criticize his boat shoes at your own risk, for many a son of the nabob Southern 'burbs wore these growing up without knowing what they were doing. (Via and via.)

FEELIN' BEEFY. Holly's preview of the Beef O'Brady's Bowl contains actual information, which our podcast for the bowl will definitely not have in the least. For more actual information Bill runs the digits and says FIU should handle things with ease, but watch just to see T.Y. Hilton go off a few times before flipping over to Storage Wars Texas.

MARK RICHT IS TOO NICE. It's a problem, actually, just like the dip in players' grades when they go pro in winning games and stuff.

TRIXY MIDGET. Chris Brown breaks down Alabama's defense, which to no one's surprise continues to confuse the shit out of college quarterbacks. (But sure, football is a sport for dumb people, persons who would throw up their hands and weep trying to explain a zone blitz.)

IF THIS CAT DIED. We're not saying that we hope this cat died. In fact, we hope it landed safely without injury. But IF it fell eight stories to its death, we hope it fell like a hundred stories, because SUPERDEAD is always better than merely "dead."

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