THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/15/2011

Early flight plus commute has us running late, but we're home now and desperately trying to catch up.

IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE WAY ARIZONA STATE LOVED HIM. None of the Todd Graham business made any sense to us, but then--whammo!--Tonic explains it all. (Queefcore always does.)

See, Pitt, you'd just understand the way he feels if you could see how ASU loves him. It was pretty evident in the way that one, or like two emails back when he suggested taking the job were sent. They were sent with a passion and an interest you just never had for him. (Did you ever sign your emails with emoticons like ASU did? Did you actually write out "thanks" instead of "thx," lazybones? I don't think so.) Did you respond to a poke on Facebook like ASU did? No, because you already employed him, and were paying him roughly the same salary as he's making at Arizona State? That's the kind of thinking that gets you alone and crying for not loving someone enough to propose to them every month, or weekly. Reproposal is how marriages stay together in the Graham household. (Or don't.)

This is really your fault, PItt, no matter what you say. If you'd only shown more commitment, or stepped up your game a little bit after Todd put that picture of Arizona State on the fridge five minutes before he walked out the door. (You didn't notice? Figures, you never paid attention to his emotional needs, anyway. He sent you a text, after all. What more is he supposed to do?) You'll be fine, going back to some predictable, Primanti's-loving meathead from the neighborhood. He'll never take you to the 6-6 heights Todd took you to, but you know, that's the rush ADs are apparently dying to listen to even if it's setting them up for the same treatment when his next dream comes down the pipe.

IN WHAT iS SHOCKINGLY ONLY THE SECOND-MOST SHOCKING COACHING NEW THAT SHOCKED US FROM THE PAST 24 HOURS. Randy Edsall needs help, and Randy Edsall punched up the digits of a cellphone belonging to Mike Locksley. See what we did there with punching? That's because Mike Locksley likes to hit people. Randy Edsall is not good at his job and is apparently getting worse (and in need of punching, evidently.)

YES, DAWG? Yo, Dawg. We'll just have a blanket "no one is selling tickets to anything ever" for the bowl season at the ready, and post it with links to yet another story of how no one goes to these games. Then, we will mention how tv money funds these anyway, and that people are kind of becoming a special effect for broadcasts that FOX will eventually begin to animate into empty seats. <---They are probably talking about this right now, and you know we're not lying.

LUNCHING FOR DOLLARS. The other blanket headline will cover magic lunches that lead to sorcery like "FIU in a bowl game."

WAKA WAKA FLOCKA FLOCKA WAKA WAKA FLOCKA FLOCKA. You're welcome for the soundtrack of your morning.

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