LARRY SCOTT: LANE KIFFIN, CHINA, CHINA, LANE KIFFIN

Larry Scott: "WHAT IF YOU MADE IT...A WATERFALL?" (via newfunnysms.com)

Larry Scott wants China to love the Pac-12, and for the Pac-12 to love China back, but first we're going to need some serious ground rules for engagement here. Assume you've already hurt their feelings, first of all, and that you need to apologize. But I haven't even talked to them yet, you say. Exactly. You should have talked to them before you were going to talk to them. China is your easily hurt older female relative whose first weapon is hurt and guilt, and like you, she's been doing it better than anyone and since the dawn of time itself.

So start by apologizing--you know what you did--and then move on to the things you can control, like the teams you send over there. Do send Lane Kiffin, because he's going to walk over there and naturally exude big face by just being ol' Big Balls Lane himself. ("What's up, sluts? Where can a guy take a dump and eat a cheeseburger at the same time in this town?" China: "HE IS MOST AMERICAN LOVE HIM YES.") Do not send Matt Barkley, because though they tolerate a bit of it, it's generally ixnay on the esusJay, especially when it comes to being really outgoing about it. (See Tebow's absence from any future NFL marketing materials.)

Do send Colorado to play an exhibition, and do make sure Colorado takes Ralphie. We suggest this because we want to see a craze in Beijing and Shanghai of miniature buffalo being kept at pets, because OMG MINIATURE BUFFALO. (Don't ask what happens to them. China is not a kind place for pets.) Do not send Jeff Tedford unless you are going to Japan. The Japanese love and respect robots as role models and protectors, and will adore him.

Finally, do encourage some kind of relationship with the PLA as a sponsor of Pac-12 football in China. There are legitimate strategic reasons for this. If the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets' owner MIkhail Prokhorov becomes the President of Russia, that will make the NBA the first nuclear power in professional sports. A counter-balance will be needed to avoid a monopolistic security dilemma situation, and a partnership with the world's only half-army, half nuclear mafia certainly helps get Larry Scott closer to his own nuclear weapon.

(Oh my god LARRY SCOTT IS A BOND VILLAIN. it all makes so much sense now.)

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker