THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/12/2011

WHEN THE GIRL IS WILLING TO TAKE ON A MAN TWICE HER SIZE IN A FIGHT FOR YOU SIGHT UNSEEN, YOU HAVE A KEEPER.

The genesis of this fight from the luxury boxes at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium during the Florida State/Florida game seems to be both clear and stereotypical: Frattington Bear in the orange pants says something ending in the word "bitch" while walking drunkenly into an FSU fan's chest, and then fails spectacularly in the fight when Captain Shovesalot pushes him and then clocks him, knocking him deservedly to the ground. (Fighting is bad, but seeing someone get punched in the face is great when someone clearly deserves it.)

The fight doesn't really get out of hand until the Khaki Kommando shows up at the :50 mark, bobbing up and down, jiggling a bit, and clearly waiting for someone to invite him to the fight. You should never go near a fight in the first place, since that's how innocent bystanders gawking catch brass knuckles to the teeth, knives to the midsection, and stray bullets. (Seriously: Chuck Liddell says it's a bad idea, and he's Chuck Liddell. Oh this one time I totally wrecked a guy in a barfight shut the fuck up. Fighting is stupid, and you are not Oldboy.)

So someone obliges him, and that is so very much the wrong idea because Khaki Commando clearly has the UFC Personal Trainer game for the Wii, and handily connects twice. The second puts the extremely stupid FSU fan on the deck, but look at the second chasing him: THAT'S THE MAN'S GIRLFRIEND AND, IF HE IS SMART, HIS FUTURE WIFE. Outweighed by at least eighty pounds, outmanned, and likely not in possession of an equalizing firearm, she still chases the guy off like a honey badger running after a pride of lions.

Ban them all from the stadium, sure, but this one? Let her stay. Her allegiance aside, you let this one stay for bravery, Jeremy Foley. (Via.)

CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR GEEK HEISMAN OVERLORD. Robert Griffin may be the Andre 3000 of Heisman winners, and not just from the obvious facial similarities. Congratulations to him on his prestigious award, nd now await the months of agonizing over whether his braids are indicative of a character flaw. [via covertly racist NFL draftniks.] One shocking thing: the sight of Dave Matthews' Band playing without him all night at the ceremony. Are they breaking up? Would anyone outside of Charlottesville, Virginia and Athens, Georgia notice? We await the answers with the rest of you, but it's "no."

UCLA JUST DID THAT. Hiring Jim Mora and starving out their own players with what is at best a bureaucratic misunderstanding? UCLA football can do both! Bill ranks all the new high-profile hires, and places Mora just above Weis, but we'd be fine flipping them because Jim Mora, guys. Jiiiiiiiim Mora, or as we like to call him, "Jim Mora." Hey, look, Kansas has a lot to learn about Charlie Weis! We'll save you the trouble: You will improve slightly, struggle under the most modest of expectations, and then fire him and owe him a lot of money. Fire him now, and save yourself the trouble! <---EDSBS HELPS: a new campaign for the new year.

BN is already being the most polite protest movement imaginable:

Call Gene Block's office and calmly and respectfully tell his staffers your specific affiliation with UCLA (i.e. graduation year or expected year of graduation) and share with them your reservations about this latest bungled hiring process by Dan Guerrero and ask for his immediate removal from UCLA. If you still care about those four letters and are upset from this surreal mess, you have to make the call.

GARY ANDERSEN'S GONNA NEED A FULL BODY SUIT, LADY. Never say he is not a man of his word. In a similar move, Kerwin Bell had Will Muschamp's face tattooed on his chest Friday and is standing outside his hotel room in the rain blasting "Gator Country" by Molly Hatchet just waiting for the man to understand how much he loves him. (No, we don't know who the coordinator is going to be for Florida, but the Shula rumor was completely false, and ohhhh thank god for that.)

AU REVOIR, NORM. Anyone who can count the number of blitzes they run in a year on one hand who still manages to coach excellent defense is indeed some kind of genius.

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